Would you trust this man with your woman?
The correct answer is no. Fuck no for an A+. Do you SEE that mustache on him? A ginger with a mustache has been scientifically proven to be the most deadliest human being in the multiverse. Mustache rides from these mythical creatures of legend are spoken in whispers between the womenfolk. I refuse to leave this man alone with Mrs. Odinson. I have to grow a full goddamn beard just to compete with this man, and I have the blood of Odin in me!
Family man, cop, stand up comedian, friend. Steve is the type of guy you’d do anything for. When there’s an opportunity for it, you jump at the chance. I’ve known Steve since I was a little jerky demigod and have always looked up to him. Now grown up, and being slightly less jerky, I consider Steve as one of my best friends. In the higher pantheon of friendship.
One of Steve’s greatest talents, which I can’t help but envy, is walking into a room and completely dominating it with laughter. He’s the much funnier friend in the group that makes you ponder, “I thought I was the funny guy in the group?” Sitting back, and watching Steve develop his natural ability of humor and crafting it into the art form of stand up has been a real treat. A honor to see. It’s like humor is Steve’s mutant ability. And that mutant ability will save him from Magneto pulling out all the iron out of his body when he attacks the X-Mansion.
Alright enough hyping people. Steve has started a podcast. It’s called ‘Gettin Up With Steven Gould.’ Already just two episodes in and it’s starting to gain ground. TLC has taught me many things in life like don’t go chasing waterfalls, that shit’s pretty stupid advice, I mean they’re right THERE. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. They also taught me that I ain’t too proud to beg. Now I ain’t begging, but just suggesting. Join us. Come join us at the house of Gould. With your help, great things will come. Mostly in your pants. But still, belly laughs will occur. If you’re a podcast addict like myself please subscribe, rate, review. If anything, with an outsiders view, it’s cool seeing the possible potential coming out of this. Seeing a friend, a brother, who isn’t afraid to throw himself into the land of the internet is terrifying, exciting, hopeful and leaves me hopeful for success!
So you’re probably asking, “For the love of god Brion, please shut the fuck up, just shut up and tell me what to do to make you shut up and follow this magnificent man.” First, I am sorry. Second, here you go:
Can be found on iTunes and Zune (Microsoft) right now by searching “Gettin Up” or Steven Gould. In the process of registering with Stitcher and Double Twist.
Links to listen:
You’re welcome in advance,
Ascend is a free to play video game for Xbox gold membership players which I had zero idea even existed before I pressed the A button to download it. Can’t say no to free and I can never say no to video games.
It’s… an okay game. But I can’t stop myself from playing it.
This is the first time I’ve come across where microtransactions are a big driving force behind a game. It’s super tempted to throw a few bucks at it to make the gameplay a little more forgiven for an hour or so. But you don’t have to pay actual money to get through this game. I say this game is okay but I find it incredibly addicting. I feel it appeals to an older type of gamer. The one who doesn’t mind grinding levels and clearing dungeons to get the best type of gear over and over again. It’s repetitive too. Which is a word gamers nowadays tend to cringe at. But I don’t mind doing that, especially if I have to kill a little time, or drank one too many beers and don’t want to play a heavily story driven game.
Sometimes turning off your brain is a good thing.
Or it could be easy achievements, which I’m guilty of chasing from time to time. For whatever reason I have no idea why I won’t clean up a few for Dishonored, but have zero problems grinding levels for another 5 hours for this game.
I looked around on the internet and didn’t see too many articles about this game. Even fewer tips. So to help out my fellow-man, I’m going to share a few tips about this game I’ve picked up along the way. Before I continue though, this is just the Beta version of the game. Things could change in future installments. But with 20 hours already dumped into this game, I’m confident enough to point out a few things.
1. Don’t bother upgrading weapons.
Those nice weapons you see in the store for 10 bucks a pop isn’t worth it. Why? Because everything breaks in this game. The nicer or rarer the piece of armor or weapon the more expense it’s going to cost you to repair it. Then you’ll be stuck in vicious cycle of throwing 5 bucks here and there. Even worse… justifying it!
So what do you do? Save everything. Every piece of armor and weapons you get just stash it. Use whatever piece you have on you and use it till it breaks. Once it breaks, sell it and go onto the next piece of equipment you have. When there’s enough accumulated I tend to equip myself with midrange armor and weapons. Save the better gear for bosses and ascending your Caos.
2. Spend all of your souls on magic.
Magic is king in this game. Your first priority is start beefing up some of your better spells. By the time I created my third Caos I already had two of my spells fully upgraded; Ionized Spark and Seekers. Most areas I go into now, I’m able to just spam my magic until nothing is moving. The damage and recharge time, once upgraded, are so much better than what most weapons can do. For Light, go with Chain Lighting. A spell I sorely missed out on. Ionized Spark is great and fast, but Chain Lighting does the same thing and hits everything on-screen. Void, go with Seekers, they do less damage than the other magics but they track down enemies and can hit them multiple times. Finally Dark… is a little tougher. I tend to go with Fury because of the increased damage and speed burst for a short time. Dark has a lot of great spells and most of them give your enemies a ‘bleed,’ effect further damaging them for an extra few seconds.
Magic in this game is also considered a “legacy,” item. Meaning it carries onto your next character. You have them forever including all your upgrades. Magic is the only thing you should concentrate on.
3. Choose your battles wisely.
Fighting every single creature in this game isn’t beneficial for a number of reasons. One being you’ll break more armor and weapons frequently. Costing you to spend more souls in repairs. Which gets expensive really fast. I’ve been there with my first Caos. At level 15 I had zero souls and was running around in my loincloth shitting myself whenever a group of trolls popped up. I was getting so desperate that I was about to quit the game entirely or even, yes, spend money to buy souls.
Another reason is this game has a ton of cheap enemies (I’m looking at you White Wolves and Beserker Trolls). The bigger creatures are harder to stun, disrupt combos, and if they get in a few unblock hits, can kill you in seconds regardless of the armor you have on.
My best advice is to choose your battles. Especially in dungeons and out in the open. You can run past 95% of conflicts and you won’t miss out at souls at all. From all the equipment you’ll be saving, as well as focusing on weak opponents, which will help boost your multiplier for extra souls, your Caos won’t miss a beat. Raiding areas becomes so much easier, faster, and safer.
But what about those fights you can’t run fun? Funny you should ask.
4. When in doubt. Run around in a giant circle.
As much as this game’s into likes to trick you into thinking you’re this big dick Conan type character on steroids and deer’s blood, the opposite can’t be true enough. You are in fact everything’s bitch in this game. You will die thousands of times. Even bitches learn new tricks though. When stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of, my sage like knowledge is this: Run around in a circle and spam magic attacks. Simple. As. That. Every boss in this game is huge, thus making the area you fight him in massive. A lot of them even summon extra enemies to come after you. The trick here is to just keep moving, run, and hug the outside. The weaker enemies die off and the boss is slow enough to run from. A spell like Ionized Bolt even stuns bosses for a second making it easy to run in for a quick couple of hits. Rinse and repeat. This tends to work most of the time. Over cockiness is your downfall when playing this way. So just be smart.
Ascend doesn’t reward you. It wants you to spend real money on it. I hope these tips help. They may be basic but I really wish something like this was around when I first started playing it. My first Caos was… shameful to say the least. I got no idea why, but I’m pretty addicted to this game. It’s fun and mindless. Sometimes, it’s okay for games to be like that. If you have any questions just leave them below, I’ll be more than happy to help.
Follow my adventures into gaming on my youtube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/BrionOdinson
I’m planning on making a youtube video for this game as well. So stay tuned.
Updated 10/13/12: As promise folks here the video for it. Enjoy!
As promised here it is folks.
The final FOUR chapters to the year long saga comes to an end tonight!
Will the gang survive the final wave of vampires?!
Take a look into the mind of a young Odinson’s spank bank.
Does the Clone have the last laugh when friends turn on each other?!
Angle no more. It’s… ANGEL.
The Odinson Corporation proudly presents to you, “My 13 Year Old Self Wrote A Buffy The Vampire Story. Part 10. The Finale.”
Weak, tired, dizzy I stood in back of Buff and Archine. (Here we go!)
“We need some kind of wepoen.” Buffy said.
Archine punched the ground. And then he yanked up two stakes well sharp roots. (So Hulk)
“Thanks” I said tiredly.
Buffy hurled her stake at a vampire the first one doged it the second one wasen’t so luckly. I saved mine I can’t throw them like a slayer.
11 more vampires left. This time we attacked first.
Buffy and Arch plowed into them while I slade one of the vampires on the ground.
Buffy took off her cruiex and shoved it down a vampire’s throat. He soalloed it by axindent. (That might be the worst spelling of a word in this whole damn thing) It burned him from inside.
It killed him.
Arch tore off a vamps head.
Buffy and Archine tied up 3 more vamps together. Buffy tossed me a pack of matches. (The three of them just stood there the entire time.)
“Don’t leave home without them.” She said with a voice trying to sound like Smoky the Bare.
“Um.. Buffy its “Only you can prevent forset fires.” I corrated her. (Terrible)
“I don’t care just burn them.” She orderd me.
Man shes bein acting real strange for a few hours. I burned the 3 vamps.
The odds were getting fare.
But us three were getting wiped. I couldn’t barly punch as well as I usly do. We moved back trying to get a quick rest before another round of fighting.
“Do you mind if we could help?” Someone fimmerly asked us 3 from behind.
Beening scared half to death we jumped around. It was Giles and Willow.
“Haven’t I told you to never do that?” I asked him.
“Oh shut up Xander.” Buffy said. “Every body get a man.” She added.
Vampire’s vs A slayer, 3 humans, And 1 vampire let me refrase that 1 good vampire.
We all colided. Amazing Willow (New superhero) was the first person to kill a vampire. She stab the vamp’s head and sliced her way down. (Yikes) Giles was second. He quickly doged the wild swing vampire. And sliced off it’s head. Giles helped killed off Buffy’s and Arch’s vamp. My guy tried to take off. But Archine slammed his fist into the ground pulled out a sharpe root and fluing it at the vampire it died. (What trees in California have just a shit load of sharp roots laying around?)
“So,” I said lying on the ground with the others. “Who wants to do that again?”
They all looked at me. “Joke! Joke! Jess… Guys can’t take a joke or something.” I muttered. Under my breath.
I was the second to last person to get up. (Confused.)
“Why can’t we have normal lifes? Why can’t Pamula Anderson or Tira Banks be the Slayer? If I was a vampire I would like to get a piece out of them.” Xander said to us. (These are the moments that make me cringe looking back at my younger self and feeling horrible for the pounding my penis took back then.)
Me, feeling alfully bad that I would never look like a “Hot babe.” (It’s true Willow. You never will.)
Buffy turned around at Xander and said sharply. “Listen Xander, I’m sick of your whineing. Why can’t you shut up, your a guy for the devils sake.” (?!)
She turned around and started walking.
“In devels sake? Since when is Buffy worshiping the Devil.” (Oh I get it, she’s evil and evil people say Devil’s Sake instead of God’s sake. Still not clever Brion.)
“Does she always act like this? If so I’m going to leave.” Archine asked us.
“No. Usully Buffy’s real cool and all. I’ll go talk to her.” I said. I jobbed over to her. “Whats a matter Buffy?” I asked her politly.
She turned her head with a grin of pure evil on it. Right then I knew she wasen’t Buffy.
“You’er.. you’er not Buffy.” I said.
She said. “I know. But it doesn’t matter for you. You’r dead.” (“I waited all this time to reveal my secret AFTER we all survived the epic vampire battle!”)
Just like that she morphed into Angel and waked in the face. Everything turned dark. As I fell to the ground I suddenly relize that this is what happened in my dream.
I am going to die. (Willow! Your dream came true!)
I quickly rushed after Willow. It was all my failt. I should of figured it out. I cheaked for a plus. No plus. I started painicing.
“How is she?” Archine asked.
I slowly looked up to him. “I think she’s dead.” I wispeared.
Out of no where a burst of anger appered on Arch’s face. “Nooo!” He bellowed. (Bellowing should come back in style.)
Arch went after the clone. He put his hand on the clone’s sholder.
“You killed me and now it’s your turn.” He said coldly.
Arch slammed his fist into the clones stomach. The clone fell gasping for air. And then Arch went over to The clone. And tore out his beating heart and crushed it with his bare hands. (Well… that was anticlimactic.)
Thats when Buffy came. The real one. She saw the dead clone on the ground. but he was in Angel morph. (Classic!)
“We trusted you…” She said shaking her head.
She took out a stake. And leaped at Arch. He doge quickly.
“Buffy, it’s not the real Angel.” I tried to expain,
She care right now. “You idiot he’s the clone.” (He’s was TRIPLED underlined fyi)
She jabbed me in the stomach and tried to lunge at him again.
Arch softly puncher her. She was out.
He turned to face Giles and I. “We should bring Willow to the hospilal.” He ordered.
Angle (76!) appered “What happened?” He asked.
“We got to bring Willow to the hospital. She might die.” Giles informed Angle (77) . “Let me get my car.” He added.
A minute later. We all cramed into his car. With Willow in my hands and Buffy in Angels hands I felt that Willow might make it. (BUT YOU SAID SHE WAS DEAD.) We finally got to the hospital.
“Hurry, hurry, hurry.” One guy ordered me bring a streacher to lay Willow on. (He wasn’t a doctor though.)
Buffy woke up in Angel’s arms. “What… what happened?”
23. Buffy: Beep…beep…beep.
Willow’s restperator was the only sound in the room for a while.
“Will she be alright doc?” I asked the doctor by side Willow.
“No broken bones but major brusies.” He said then he looked up at us curicouse. “What happened to her?”
We all looked at each other anserws not popping up. All what I could think of was the truth. I acusing Archine of hurting everyone.
Giles came up with an answerw. “Well, you see…” He paused for a second. “She ran right into a tree.”
“Um… yes.” (The brilliant, strategic Giles everyone!)
Xander, Angle (78. If you’ve been taking shots, I’ve probably killed you by now.), and I looked at him. He surgged. The doctor got up. “Not to worry Willow will be find in a couple of days.”
And like that he left.
“Listen guys I gotta go. This places is driving me craze.”
Angle Angel said. (78, after 78 times writing Angel as Angle for 52 pages, at the end of the story, THE LAST FEW SENTENCES. I finally made a conscious decision and change his name. Wish it was sooner.)
“Tell Willow that I said I hope you feel better.” He left.
Giles and Xander told me they should make some calls. I went outside were Arch was.
“Butiful night hun?” I asked looking up at the stars. (“Yeah, it’s pretty butty.”)
“It could have been better.” was the repley.
He turned around to face me. “I’m not mad, I understand that you are the Slayer, you made a good call if I was you I would too.”
I stuck out my hand.
We shook hands.
And they all lived happily ever after like a bunch of douchebags.
Well folks. We did it. I hoped you enjoyed this as much as I had writing it.
BUT IT’S NOT OVER YET!
Come back next month for the official recap. Real talk.
Have any questions? Leave them down below.
And I may have a nice little treat in store too…
See you next month, but for now, my childhood needs a drink.
LET IT BEGIN!!!
On March 31st 2013 this stupid planet will be rocked to its very core when Game Of Thrones comes back on tv and impregnates all your holes.
GoT combines my two favorite things.
Swords and boning.
I wonder if non-nerds try to convince themselves that this ISN’T a nerdy show. I bet they secretly hate themselves for liking it. “Yeah but this show has tits in it!” Yeah well, so does literally every single nerdy thing does. You have fantasy football. We have fantasy tits. Welcome, our side is better.
As an avid alcoholic, I enjoy all things in life with a cup full of booze in my hand. What better way to celebrate the Mountain Who Rides slicing the shit out of a horse’s head then with a nice helping mug of artisanal bourbon to warm the soul. My cousin and I’s personal favorite choice of blackout.
If you aren’t in the know, which I know you most certainly are not, a favorite craft brewery of mine, Ommegang, has partnered with HBO to release the official “Game of Thrones,” beer. It’s first release is the ‘Iron Throne,’ a blonde ale. When I think GoT I kind of don’t think blonde ale, but if it’s called ‘Iron Throne,’ and the Iron Throne is located in King’s Landing, a warm area, with the current King being a Lannister, then I guess it makes sense.
I can’t help but think this is one fucking cool idea. This is just the first, with more GoT themed beers along the way. Can we at least be promised House Stark gets a smoked porter or stout please?
This got me thinking what OTHER booze products would be acceptable consumption? Nah, I’m lying, I thought of this idea a year ago, but now with Ommegang releasing these awesome beers it was a perfect opener for this blog!
There may be minor spoilers ahead. Be warned. But nothing major here. Honestly I just walked around taking pictures of labels that made the GoT music start in my head.
It’s not overly creative.
Are you a Maesters to a whinny little lordling? Do you get tired of hearing about a crippled little brat crying over how he’ll never ride again? Or even trying to clean up the mess of two prostitutes forced to beat their asses bloody with a cane for the pleasure of your king? Well after a hard days work you deserve a nice red glass of RAVENSWOOD zinfandel. Let the pains of a servitude life, that you total chose by the way, wash away!
Is your family a bunch of scumbags? Do they honestly have like zero redeeming qualities? You know the usual, burning children alive, finger banging your sister, disowning your only living male heir. Then maybe you have more things in common with the Greyjoys! To say House Greyjoy are a bunch of doucebags is giving feminine hygiene a bad name. They’re a fishy bunch! So maybe a LEFT HAND BLACKJACK PORTER will liven up the dysfunctional family spirits. Or even better! How about some stereotypical rum! Cause they’re like organized pirates! Look no further than KRAKEN! Just try to resist the urge to pick up the bottle and say, “Release the kraken!” I know you won’t be able too. Because you’ll think you’re funny. But you’re not. In fact no one that has ever said that can comprehend what humor actually is. And knowing you, you probably think Theon is cool. The only two cool Greyjoys don’t show up till book 4 anyways. And I’m stuck listening to my cousin groin about how hot Asha is suppose to be from the book and how much she isn’t on the show for the next 3 seasons. Even though it’s never really mentioned at all. Ever. Thanks a lot Greyjoys.
Have a special girl in your life? Well why don’t you treat her nice for once and get her a bottle of FORADORI. From Italy. It has a dragon on it. Trust me, it’ll send any girl squealing about how in GoT world she’d be ‘Khaleesi,’ even though they have no idea what a ‘Daenerys,’ is when you compliment her. Honestly every single woman in the world believes she’s Khaleesi right? It’s got to tap into some fairytale world stuff of fairies and princesses and unicorns. There were like 1 million Khaleesi’s for Halloween last year. It’s insane. Oh well, if you have a lady in your life that’s loves this shit hard than don’t complain. You could be stuck watching her reality shows while she takes up the whole couch and you’re shoved in the corner. Besides if they really love Khaleesi so much then wait till they see what happens in this season! HIGH FIVE! Drink that wine down baby! Let’s broaden that mind!
Perhaps you belong to a family where absolutely nothing goes right for you. At all. All because you’re the only decent bunch of people too. The gods just decided to pick your honorable family and take a massive shit on it. Death, slavery, complete disarray of your house, never-ending war, even putting down the family dog because some little blond cunt demands it. In the worst life ever, House Stark turns to WOLFTRAP wine to drown their sorrows. They’re kind of like that poor soul at the end of the bar who just stares at his drink the whole time and anyone that’s within earshot gets bombarded with “The good old days.” Honestly, just think back at what we’ve seen happen to these folks so far. And to the ones who’ve already read the books knowing what’s going to happen. This family honestly has the worst luck in the world all because they’re not pieces of shit. R.I.P. Ned.
This GoT booze of choice goes out to the college meathead and the old guy still grasping for strings of greatness trying to desperately impress the young tail at the bar. Do you bros need a new bromance? Some guy who could stay up all night with you till you’re a few shades of vomit. Only to wake up a next day and start bright and early with a 30 pack of fake beer? A bro who’d spend an entire day shoving an whole pig down his gullet, while only taking breaks between banging prostitutes and making sure said prostitute isn’t only of his million offspring. Than look no further than House Baratheon! While not known for as a party house, Robert is the bro you’ll always want to have by your side. He’s like John Belluchi. But hairier and could crush your head in with a giant war hammer. And once you introduce him to JAGERMISTER, Robert will never leave your floor dorm room again. Just make sure it’s the right Baratheon. While Robert is one jolly motherfuck, Stannis would kill your ass, and Renly… well, he’d try to get in your ass. I set that joke up so long ago.
If there’s one animal that dominates the booze bottles look no further than lions. They’re on a ton of shit and they always seem to be doing battle with other animals which makes what you’re drinking even more badass. The Lannister’s are the family to hate (minus a certain whore-banging little fella) but at least they have good taste. For the beer geeks look no further than FIRESTONE WALKER UNION JACK IPA. One of the best craft IPAs on the market. After powering through 6 of them, maybe you’ll start seeing things through Jamie’s eyes and would total bang Cersei too.
If Firestone is too expensive for your taste, than perhaps a delightful 40oz of HAFFENREFER would suffice? It’s ummm… I’m sorry. I can’t advocate this. If you have HBO, but are drinking Haffenrefer, than maybe you should figuring out your finances dude.
So there you go. Plenty of fine drinks to kick off this season of Game of Thrones. I’m not going to say much, but if you haven’t read the books, you’re in for a real treat. For the next 2 years get ready for the best television you’ll ever see.
And more Mountain cutting things in half.
Get your boners ready.
Check it. Sorry for the video sound quality, still tinkering!
Oh my god we’re so close to the finale! Finally! After… forever! Okay Odinson stop being so damn dramatic.
On tonight’s episode…
4 Vampires?! More like… FOUR BILLION.
Will Willow be gangbanged?! …Probably! She’s useless!
Thats the only thing on my mind.
Ouch. (Much like my readership right now)
I was getting whipped around like… like… I can’t explain it. (I can already see my laziness beginning to unfold) I was taking on 7 vampires. Why can’t I have superpowers like a slayer or Vampier? Why can’t I be a chosen one of something?
I heard a vampire scream. I quickly laid eyes off my vampires. Archine tore off a vampire’s head. The wierd part is that Archine was liking it. Two vampires left from my group, and from Buffys group too. Now Archine was fighting 10 vampiers. (Man, Archine is so cool isn’t he guys? He’s like if some kid growing up in the 90′s had a “what if,” moment where Wolverine and Gambit had a baby and that baby was a Vampire with Superman’s strength and all the women wanted to bone him, especially Psylocke, Lady Death, and Catlin Fairchild)
Good for me.
Not for him.
The 10 vampers all jump on Arch, and brought him down. But then, a vampire punched me in the stomach to remind me that they’re still here. (“HEY.” *punch* “We’re still here. God.”)
Krunch was the sound of my fist smashing the vampires brains out. (Holy shit!!!)
Well… I kind of lied about the Brain part Lets just say I punched him real hard. (-_-)
He back off and a new one came. (“Now it’s YOUR turn to punch the douche,” He growled)
“Man! Do you guys relize your real cheap-O’s!” I yelled out them. (What.)
“Stup up mortal.” One of them said sneering.
I was getting tick off. “Buffy.” I shoted. “I need a stake now!”
She quickly went in her coat pacat (Come on Brion) and hucked it at me. Likely I can catch good. I got a good hold of it and without hesitation I stabbed it into the vampire. He dissapered. Alright only 4 more vampires to go! Seems like four billion. (Totally man.)
I started to get weak and tired. This is the most vampires we’ve ever fought.
I got punched in the stomach.
In return I delivered the vampire a uppercut.
“Stake! Hurry!” I yelled out.
Buffy chucked one. And I stabbed the vampire I gave a uppercut to. (He was kind enough to just stand there the whole time.)
He scearmed and dissappered.
“Help out Archine!” Buffy ordered me.
Both of us ran over to the pile. Buffy took out the last of the stakes she had on her. 6 of them. She gave 3 to me. We quickly slayed 6 vampires and kicked the rest of them off of him. (At this point I honestly don’t remember if I forgot this Buffy was the clone or not. Why the hell is she saving them?!)
Arch got up.
“Arch you all right?” I asked him.
“Yeah I’m O.K.” He said.
We looked at the rest of the vampires. There were 12 left. (I really hope someone is following the math here.)
“OK guys this time we fight as a team.” Buffy ordered.
We took our positions. This time we were ready for anything.
I quickly looked around me. I saw a sharp stick off of a tree. I scamed the ground. I couple of good sized rocks.
The male vampire lunged at me. I doged quickly and grabbed the two rocks. While the male vampire was trying to get up. I quickly smashed both rocks on the side’s of his head. He got up half blinded and half dizzyed he stummble around. (Hilarity ensued.)
Now Willow now! I ordered myself. (It’d be even better if she was screaming this out loud to herself)
I ran as fast as I could into the vampire. I stopped and he stummbled backwards into the sharp stick. (Sooo… the wind of your 17 year old unathletic speed pushed him back? Okay. Got it.)
As the stick and the vampier made contact. The Vampire dissapered.
The two girls were amazed, They were shocked.
I was to, that was the first vampire I ever slayed! (Also the lamest, wow)
That was my que to start running. I took off at a fast start. One of them took out a knife and started running after me. I looked behind, they were cathing up. I saw a branch up ahead. As I pasted it I graged onto it and let it go.
The branch made the vampire trip backwards. And went right into the others knife. And dissapered. (Ehhh, not a proper way to kill one, but I’ll give you points for creativity)
2-down-one to go. All of a sudden everything went wrong.
I tried to get up but I couldn’t, my foot was stuck in a hole. The last vampire with the knife went over to me.
“You puny mortal thinked that you could take on us Vampires?” She asked me. (“Hulk smashed,” She added)
Not a good question to ansewr back.
It was no hope for me this time. She rose her knife above her head and was about to stab me. When all of a sudden I saw a sharp, thin, silver piece stick out of her and it came back out.
She fall and dissapered.
And Giles popped up. With a sorwd. (I take back that compliment, you’re scrambling.)
“Are you alright Willow?” Giles asked me.
He bent down and took my foor out of the hole.
“I’m fine. your timing couldn’t be…” Giles cutted me off.
“Do you know how to use one of these?” He asked.
Giles picked up the knife on the ground and gave it to me.
“Well lets find out.” I said with a smile.” (It’s for vacuuming right?)
“Come hurry.” Giles brought me up.
And we raced to goin the battle. (Giles won)
Yes, yes. I know this was fairly short. But next time… oh man next time…
SOMEONE DIES. FOR REAL GUYS.
The finale. The last 3 chapters to the incredible tale of “Archine.”
See you in March.
It’s that time of year forever alones! The one day of the year that single people across the world think to themselves, “What the fuck is wrong with me.”
The time of year when you walk pass an aisle at the grocery store, see all the those heart-shaped candies and love letters and bitterly think to yourself, “What a waste of money.”
The ONLY day when you see a couple together, laughing, having a great time, and a certain thought pops in your head, “That douchebag has a girlfriend but I don’t?!”
Oh don’t turn to me for comfort. I will give you none. This year I’m being pampered. Hell, I don’t even have to make dinner. All I have to do is sit back and drink massive amounts of wine, and carefully tread the line between being sober enough to go all night or suffer performance anxiety!
It’s not even the official “National Steak and a Blow Job Day,” yet! But I’m very much looking forward to it.
Two years ago I gave the fellas and ladies 5 songs to make sweet sweet loving to on Valentine’s Day. Hey I like to help that significant other in your life be the moistest they can possibly be for you.
I got your back buddy.
This year I’m looking out for the lonely ones. Yes, you. You know what really sucks? Jumping off a cliff with a cement block tied to your feet because the girl you gave the mix tape to turned you down and instead is on a date getting wined and dined by that jerkhole with the bmw and later your mix tape will be the background noise as she’s getting plowed by said jerkhole.
We don’t want that do we?
5 Songs you should probably avoid on Valentine’s day.
“White Moon” (Under the Great White Northern Lights dvd)- The White Stripes
This song is sad enough. Some people say it’s about coke. Apparently coke is delicious. Fun fact. I never take my music symbolically. I take the lyrics as is. So it’s a whole different story when I listen to this song.
Do you want to know what makes this song even sadder? Seeing this video of Jack White making Meg White sit next to him has he plays this song and her only instrument is her tears.
Meg White is so cute. I kind of just want to smooch her face. So I kind of get EXTREMELY upset when I just see Meg sobbing for 3 minutes and I find myself screaming at my TV saying, “STOP IT. Jack White. You stop making Meg cry. I mean it. Cut it out. That’s right. Give her a hug dammit.”
Odinson’s Tear Rating: Jack White is still not returning my phone calls/10
“How Fortunate The Man With None” -Dead Can Dance
So after the last time I took a certain mind alternating substance this song came on and it broke my brain for a good couple of years. It made me think of my cat and how it was going to die one day and no one will remember what an amazing creature it was and how much of an impact it had and still has on my life.
Everything about this song is depressing as shit. So Depressing as shit that I haven’t listened to this song all the way through in over 8 years. This song is my kryptonite. The green kind.
I honestly don’t wish it on my worst enemy WHICH YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Odinson’s Tear Rating: Please don’t play that song again. My life has meaning!/10
“Crowd Surf Off A Cliff” – Emily Haines
Speaking of cocaine, I advise you to never listen to this sex goddesses solo stuff. I mean you should. It’s all really amazing. But be prepared to be in a terrible funk for the rest of the entire day.
I was on a terrible bachelor party once and in typical meathead fashion the bachelor party was held at a casino.
As my friends literally vomited hard-earned cashed which was spent almost immediately at the tables. I snuck away and found a slot machine. As I played the album this track finally came on and it opened my eyes. I looked to the left of me and there was zombies. To the right: cows. Lifeless humanity just putting in coin after coin, cranking that wheel, and watching the shiny.
Holy shit I wanted to cry. But hey I won 200 bucks with 40 bucks and didn’t have to pay for a single thing the rest of the time! Take that Native Americans!
Odinson’s Tear Rating: “These are tears of happiness I swear Emily. I can use them as lubricant. See? Wait. Where are you going?/10
“Mad World”- Gary Jules
The title of this song should just be change as “The Gears of War Theme Song.”
Gamers everywhere have cried only three times in their collective lives.
Strangely enough. It all comes from this game series.
1. The very first time the game was announced and we were giving one of the most depressing, yet amazing game trailers of all time.
Holy shit that video still gives me goosebumps.
2. In Gears of War 3 when Dom decides to drive a truck full of gasoline into an unstoppable horde to save the life of his friends.
3. The historical moment in video game history when gamers start collectively ball in multiplayer when the few piano lines play in a certain level as you curb stomp your opponent.
I’m sure Gary Jules had some deep personal meaning when he wrote this song. But it’ll forever be known as the only song a bunch of gamers start crying to while they chainsaw people in half.
Odinson’s Tear Rating: 8 Failed Chainsaw Active Reloads/10
“Parisienne Moonlight”- Anathema
I honestly don’t know how a band goes from being a Doom/Death Metal group to… well… this. Oh. I just figured it out. Perhaps they discovered they could get more people to kill themselves playing this type of music to a wider audience.
But it’s the classic depressing music you should never listen to when you’re alone.
Piano+Girl Voice+”It’s not you, it’s me”= OH GOD I’M SO LONELY.
Odinson’s Tear Rating: Don’t listen to this song while driving on a bridge/10
You know what? Just stay away from these songs. Avoid them. In fact avoid any song with a sad violin or piano in it. Act like classic music gives you a rash for a day. Also stay away from pretty lady voices too. Just don’t even bother listening to ANY music all day. Even something like “Good Vibration’s,” will seem like it’s giving you a pretty good argument in trying to kill yourself.
Don’t even drink booze. Especially stay away from bourbon. That’s a GOOD country song (but in a bad way) in the making!
There’s this amazing potion I recently discovered called “nyquil.” They even sell it at stores! I know! All you do is take a shot of it and in 30 minutes time you’re off on your adventures! Hopefully they aren’t nightmare inducing like mine!
Thank me later.
Happy Valentine’s Day.