As promised here it is folks.
The final FOUR chapters to the year long saga comes to an end tonight!
Will the gang survive the final wave of vampires?!
Take a look into the mind of a young Odinson’s spank bank.
Does the Clone have the last laugh when friends turn on each other?!
Angle no more. It’s… ANGEL.
The Odinson Corporation proudly presents to you, “My 13 Year Old Self Wrote A Buffy The Vampire Story. Part 10. The Finale.”
Weak, tired, dizzy I stood in back of Buff and Archine. (Here we go!)
“We need some kind of wepoen.” Buffy said.
Archine punched the ground. And then he yanked up two stakes well sharp roots. (So Hulk)
“Thanks” I said tiredly.
Buffy hurled her stake at a vampire the first one doged it the second one wasen’t so luckly. I saved mine I can’t throw them like a slayer.
11 more vampires left. This time we attacked first.
Buffy and Arch plowed into them while I slade one of the vampires on the ground.
Buffy took off her cruiex and shoved it down a vampire’s throat. He soalloed it by axindent. (That might be the worst spelling of a word in this whole damn thing) It burned him from inside.
It killed him.
Arch tore off a vamps head.
Buffy and Archine tied up 3 more vamps together. Buffy tossed me a pack of matches. (The three of them just stood there the entire time.)
“Don’t leave home without them.” She said with a voice trying to sound like Smoky the Bare.
“Um.. Buffy its “Only you can prevent forset fires.” I corrated her. (Terrible)
“I don’t care just burn them.” She orderd me.
Man shes bein acting real strange for a few hours. I burned the 3 vamps.
The odds were getting fare.
But us three were getting wiped. I couldn’t barly punch as well as I usly do. We moved back trying to get a quick rest before another round of fighting.
“Do you mind if we could help?” Someone fimmerly asked us 3 from behind.
Beening scared half to death we jumped around. It was Giles and Willow.
“Haven’t I told you to never do that?” I asked him.
“Oh shut up Xander.” Buffy said. “Every body get a man.” She added.
Vampire’s vs A slayer, 3 humans, And 1 vampire let me refrase that 1 good vampire.
We all colided. Amazing Willow (New superhero) was the first person to kill a vampire. She stab the vamp’s head and sliced her way down. (Yikes) Giles was second. He quickly doged the wild swing vampire. And sliced off it’s head. Giles helped killed off Buffy’s and Arch’s vamp. My guy tried to take off. But Archine slammed his fist into the ground pulled out a sharpe root and fluing it at the vampire it died. (What trees in California have just a shit load of sharp roots laying around?)
“So,” I said lying on the ground with the others. “Who wants to do that again?”
They all looked at me. “Joke! Joke! Jess… Guys can’t take a joke or something.” I muttered. Under my breath.
I was the second to last person to get up. (Confused.)
“Why can’t we have normal lifes? Why can’t Pamula Anderson or Tira Banks be the Slayer? If I was a vampire I would like to get a piece out of them.” Xander said to us. (These are the moments that make me cringe looking back at my younger self and feeling horrible for the pounding my penis took back then.)
Me, feeling alfully bad that I would never look like a “Hot babe.” (It’s true Willow. You never will.)
Buffy turned around at Xander and said sharply. “Listen Xander, I’m sick of your whineing. Why can’t you shut up, your a guy for the devils sake.” (?!)
She turned around and started walking.
“In devels sake? Since when is Buffy worshiping the Devil.” (Oh I get it, she’s evil and evil people say Devil’s Sake instead of God’s sake. Still not clever Brion.)
“Does she always act like this? If so I’m going to leave.” Archine asked us.
“No. Usully Buffy’s real cool and all. I’ll go talk to her.” I said. I jobbed over to her. “Whats a matter Buffy?” I asked her politly.
She turned her head with a grin of pure evil on it. Right then I knew she wasen’t Buffy.
“You’er.. you’er not Buffy.” I said.
She said. “I know. But it doesn’t matter for you. You’r dead.” (“I waited all this time to reveal my secret AFTER we all survived the epic vampire battle!”)
Just like that she morphed into Angel and waked in the face. Everything turned dark. As I fell to the ground I suddenly relize that this is what happened in my dream.
I am going to die. (Willow! Your dream came true!)
I quickly rushed after Willow. It was all my failt. I should of figured it out. I cheaked for a plus. No plus. I started painicing.
“How is she?” Archine asked.
I slowly looked up to him. “I think she’s dead.” I wispeared.
Out of no where a burst of anger appered on Arch’s face. “Nooo!” He bellowed. (Bellowing should come back in style.)
Arch went after the clone. He put his hand on the clone’s sholder.
“You killed me and now it’s your turn.” He said coldly.
Arch slammed his fist into the clones stomach. The clone fell gasping for air. And then Arch went over to The clone. And tore out his beating heart and crushed it with his bare hands. (Well… that was anticlimactic.)
Thats when Buffy came. The real one. She saw the dead clone on the ground. but he was in Angel morph. (Classic!)
“We trusted you…” She said shaking her head.
She took out a stake. And leaped at Arch. He doge quickly.
“Buffy, it’s not the real Angel.” I tried to expain,
She care right now. “You idiot he’s the clone.” (He’s was TRIPLED underlined fyi)
She jabbed me in the stomach and tried to lunge at him again.
Arch softly puncher her. She was out.
He turned to face Giles and I. “We should bring Willow to the hospilal.” He ordered.
Angle (76!) appered “What happened?” He asked.
“We got to bring Willow to the hospital. She might die.” Giles informed Angle (77) . “Let me get my car.” He added.
A minute later. We all cramed into his car. With Willow in my hands and Buffy in Angels hands I felt that Willow might make it. (BUT YOU SAID SHE WAS DEAD.) We finally got to the hospital.
“Hurry, hurry, hurry.” One guy ordered me bring a streacher to lay Willow on. (He wasn’t a doctor though.)
Buffy woke up in Angel’s arms. “What… what happened?”
23. Buffy: Beep…beep…beep.
Willow’s restperator was the only sound in the room for a while.
“Will she be alright doc?” I asked the doctor by side Willow.
“No broken bones but major brusies.” He said then he looked up at us curicouse. “What happened to her?”
We all looked at each other anserws not popping up. All what I could think of was the truth. I acusing Archine of hurting everyone.
Giles came up with an answerw. “Well, you see…” He paused for a second. “She ran right into a tree.”
“Um… yes.” (The brilliant, strategic Giles everyone!)
Xander, Angle (78. If you’ve been taking shots, I’ve probably killed you by now.), and I looked at him. He surgged. The doctor got up. “Not to worry Willow will be find in a couple of days.”
And like that he left.
“Listen guys I gotta go. This places is driving me craze.”
Angle Angel said. (78, after 78 times writing Angel as Angle for 52 pages, at the end of the story, THE LAST FEW SENTENCES. I finally made a conscious decision and change his name. Wish it was sooner.)
“Tell Willow that I said I hope you feel better.” He left.
Giles and Xander told me they should make some calls. I went outside were Arch was.
“Butiful night hun?” I asked looking up at the stars. (“Yeah, it’s pretty butty.”)
“It could have been better.” was the repley.
He turned around to face me. “I’m not mad, I understand that you are the Slayer, you made a good call if I was you I would too.”
I stuck out my hand.
We shook hands.
And they all lived happily ever after like a bunch of douchebags.
Well folks. We did it. I hoped you enjoyed this as much as I had writing it.
BUT IT’S NOT OVER YET!
Come back next month for the official recap. Real talk.
Have any questions? Leave them down below.
And I may have a nice little treat in store too…
See you next month, but for now, my childhood needs a drink.
LET IT BEGIN!!!
On March 31st 2013 this stupid planet will be rocked to its very core when Game Of Thrones comes back on tv and impregnates all your holes.
GoT combines my two favorite things.
Swords and boning.
I wonder if non-nerds try to convince themselves that this ISN’T a nerdy show. I bet they secretly hate themselves for liking it. “Yeah but this show has tits in it!” Yeah well, so does literally every single nerdy thing does. You have fantasy football. We have fantasy tits. Welcome, our side is better.
As an avid alcoholic, I enjoy all things in life with a cup full of booze in my hand. What better way to celebrate the Mountain Who Rides slicing the shit out of a horse’s head then with a nice helping mug of artisanal bourbon to warm the soul. My cousin and I’s personal favorite choice of blackout.
If you aren’t in the know, which I know you most certainly are not, a favorite craft brewery of mine, Ommegang, has partnered with HBO to release the official “Game of Thrones,” beer. It’s first release is the ‘Iron Throne,’ a blonde ale. When I think GoT I kind of don’t think blonde ale, but if it’s called ‘Iron Throne,’ and the Iron Throne is located in King’s Landing, a warm area, with the current King being a Lannister, then I guess it makes sense.
I can’t help but think this is one fucking cool idea. This is just the first, with more GoT themed beers along the way. Can we at least be promised House Stark gets a smoked porter or stout please?
This got me thinking what OTHER booze products would be acceptable consumption? Nah, I’m lying, I thought of this idea a year ago, but now with Ommegang releasing these awesome beers it was a perfect opener for this blog!
There may be minor spoilers ahead. Be warned. But nothing major here. Honestly I just walked around taking pictures of labels that made the GoT music start in my head.
It’s not overly creative.
Are you a Maesters to a whinny little lordling? Do you get tired of hearing about a crippled little brat crying over how he’ll never ride again? Or even trying to clean up the mess of two prostitutes forced to beat their asses bloody with a cane for the pleasure of your king? Well after a hard days work you deserve a nice red glass of RAVENSWOOD zinfandel. Let the pains of a servitude life, that you total chose by the way, wash away!
Is your family a bunch of scumbags? Do they honestly have like zero redeeming qualities? You know the usual, burning children alive, finger banging your sister, disowning your only living male heir. Then maybe you have more things in common with the Greyjoys! To say House Greyjoy are a bunch of doucebags is giving feminine hygiene a bad name. They’re a fishy bunch! So maybe a LEFT HAND BLACKJACK PORTER will liven up the dysfunctional family spirits. Or even better! How about some stereotypical rum! Cause they’re like organized pirates! Look no further than KRAKEN! Just try to resist the urge to pick up the bottle and say, “Release the kraken!” I know you won’t be able too. Because you’ll think you’re funny. But you’re not. In fact no one that has ever said that can comprehend what humor actually is. And knowing you, you probably think Theon is cool. The only two cool Greyjoys don’t show up till book 4 anyways. And I’m stuck listening to my cousin groin about how hot Asha is suppose to be from the book and how much she isn’t on the show for the next 3 seasons. Even though it’s never really mentioned at all. Ever. Thanks a lot Greyjoys.
Have a special girl in your life? Well why don’t you treat her nice for once and get her a bottle of FORADORI. From Italy. It has a dragon on it. Trust me, it’ll send any girl squealing about how in GoT world she’d be ‘Khaleesi,’ even though they have no idea what a ‘Daenerys,’ is when you compliment her. Honestly every single woman in the world believes she’s Khaleesi right? It’s got to tap into some fairytale world stuff of fairies and princesses and unicorns. There were like 1 million Khaleesi’s for Halloween last year. It’s insane. Oh well, if you have a lady in your life that’s loves this shit hard than don’t complain. You could be stuck watching her reality shows while she takes up the whole couch and you’re shoved in the corner. Besides if they really love Khaleesi so much then wait till they see what happens in this season! HIGH FIVE! Drink that wine down baby! Let’s broaden that mind!
Perhaps you belong to a family where absolutely nothing goes right for you. At all. All because you’re the only decent bunch of people too. The gods just decided to pick your honorable family and take a massive shit on it. Death, slavery, complete disarray of your house, never-ending war, even putting down the family dog because some little blond cunt demands it. In the worst life ever, House Stark turns to WOLFTRAP wine to drown their sorrows. They’re kind of like that poor soul at the end of the bar who just stares at his drink the whole time and anyone that’s within earshot gets bombarded with “The good old days.” Honestly, just think back at what we’ve seen happen to these folks so far. And to the ones who’ve already read the books knowing what’s going to happen. This family honestly has the worst luck in the world all because they’re not pieces of shit. R.I.P. Ned.
This GoT booze of choice goes out to the college meathead and the old guy still grasping for strings of greatness trying to desperately impress the young tail at the bar. Do you bros need a new bromance? Some guy who could stay up all night with you till you’re a few shades of vomit. Only to wake up a next day and start bright and early with a 30 pack of fake beer? A bro who’d spend an entire day shoving an whole pig down his gullet, while only taking breaks between banging prostitutes and making sure said prostitute isn’t only of his million offspring. Than look no further than House Baratheon! While not known for as a party house, Robert is the bro you’ll always want to have by your side. He’s like John Belluchi. But hairier and could crush your head in with a giant war hammer. And once you introduce him to JAGERMISTER, Robert will never leave your floor dorm room again. Just make sure it’s the right Baratheon. While Robert is one jolly motherfuck, Stannis would kill your ass, and Renly… well, he’d try to get in your ass. I set that joke up so long ago.
If there’s one animal that dominates the booze bottles look no further than lions. They’re on a ton of shit and they always seem to be doing battle with other animals which makes what you’re drinking even more badass. The Lannister’s are the family to hate (minus a certain whore-banging little fella) but at least they have good taste. For the beer geeks look no further than FIRESTONE WALKER UNION JACK IPA. One of the best craft IPAs on the market. After powering through 6 of them, maybe you’ll start seeing things through Jamie’s eyes and would total bang Cersei too.
If Firestone is too expensive for your taste, than perhaps a delightful 40oz of HAFFENREFER would suffice? It’s ummm… I’m sorry. I can’t advocate this. If you have HBO, but are drinking Haffenrefer, than maybe you should figuring out your finances dude.
So there you go. Plenty of fine drinks to kick off this season of Game of Thrones. I’m not going to say much, but if you haven’t read the books, you’re in for a real treat. For the next 2 years get ready for the best television you’ll ever see.
And more Mountain cutting things in half.
Get your boners ready.
Check it. Sorry for the video sound quality, still tinkering!
Oh my god we’re so close to the finale! Finally! After… forever! Okay Odinson stop being so damn dramatic.
On tonight’s episode…
4 Vampires?! More like… FOUR BILLION.
Will Willow be gangbanged?! …Probably! She’s useless!
Thats the only thing on my mind.
Ouch. (Much like my readership right now)
I was getting whipped around like… like… I can’t explain it. (I can already see my laziness beginning to unfold) I was taking on 7 vampires. Why can’t I have superpowers like a slayer or Vampier? Why can’t I be a chosen one of something?
I heard a vampire scream. I quickly laid eyes off my vampires. Archine tore off a vampire’s head. The wierd part is that Archine was liking it. Two vampires left from my group, and from Buffys group too. Now Archine was fighting 10 vampiers. (Man, Archine is so cool isn’t he guys? He’s like if some kid growing up in the 90′s had a “what if,” moment where Wolverine and Gambit had a baby and that baby was a Vampire with Superman’s strength and all the women wanted to bone him, especially Psylocke, Lady Death, and Catlin Fairchild)
Good for me.
Not for him.
The 10 vampers all jump on Arch, and brought him down. But then, a vampire punched me in the stomach to remind me that they’re still here. (“HEY.” *punch* “We’re still here. God.”)
Krunch was the sound of my fist smashing the vampires brains out. (Holy shit!!!)
Well… I kind of lied about the Brain part Lets just say I punched him real hard. (-_-)
He back off and a new one came. (“Now it’s YOUR turn to punch the douche,” He growled)
“Man! Do you guys relize your real cheap-O’s!” I yelled out them. (What.)
“Stup up mortal.” One of them said sneering.
I was getting tick off. “Buffy.” I shoted. “I need a stake now!”
She quickly went in her coat pacat (Come on Brion) and hucked it at me. Likely I can catch good. I got a good hold of it and without hesitation I stabbed it into the vampire. He dissapered. Alright only 4 more vampires to go! Seems like four billion. (Totally man.)
I started to get weak and tired. This is the most vampires we’ve ever fought.
I got punched in the stomach.
In return I delivered the vampire a uppercut.
“Stake! Hurry!” I yelled out.
Buffy chucked one. And I stabbed the vampire I gave a uppercut to. (He was kind enough to just stand there the whole time.)
He scearmed and dissappered.
“Help out Archine!” Buffy ordered me.
Both of us ran over to the pile. Buffy took out the last of the stakes she had on her. 6 of them. She gave 3 to me. We quickly slayed 6 vampires and kicked the rest of them off of him. (At this point I honestly don’t remember if I forgot this Buffy was the clone or not. Why the hell is she saving them?!)
Arch got up.
“Arch you all right?” I asked him.
“Yeah I’m O.K.” He said.
We looked at the rest of the vampires. There were 12 left. (I really hope someone is following the math here.)
“OK guys this time we fight as a team.” Buffy ordered.
We took our positions. This time we were ready for anything.
I quickly looked around me. I saw a sharp stick off of a tree. I scamed the ground. I couple of good sized rocks.
The male vampire lunged at me. I doged quickly and grabbed the two rocks. While the male vampire was trying to get up. I quickly smashed both rocks on the side’s of his head. He got up half blinded and half dizzyed he stummble around. (Hilarity ensued.)
Now Willow now! I ordered myself. (It’d be even better if she was screaming this out loud to herself)
I ran as fast as I could into the vampire. I stopped and he stummbled backwards into the sharp stick. (Sooo… the wind of your 17 year old unathletic speed pushed him back? Okay. Got it.)
As the stick and the vampier made contact. The Vampire dissapered.
The two girls were amazed, They were shocked.
I was to, that was the first vampire I ever slayed! (Also the lamest, wow)
That was my que to start running. I took off at a fast start. One of them took out a knife and started running after me. I looked behind, they were cathing up. I saw a branch up ahead. As I pasted it I graged onto it and let it go.
The branch made the vampire trip backwards. And went right into the others knife. And dissapered. (Ehhh, not a proper way to kill one, but I’ll give you points for creativity)
2-down-one to go. All of a sudden everything went wrong.
I tried to get up but I couldn’t, my foot was stuck in a hole. The last vampire with the knife went over to me.
“You puny mortal thinked that you could take on us Vampires?” She asked me. (“Hulk smashed,” She added)
Not a good question to ansewr back.
It was no hope for me this time. She rose her knife above her head and was about to stab me. When all of a sudden I saw a sharp, thin, silver piece stick out of her and it came back out.
She fall and dissapered.
And Giles popped up. With a sorwd. (I take back that compliment, you’re scrambling.)
“Are you alright Willow?” Giles asked me.
He bent down and took my foor out of the hole.
“I’m fine. your timing couldn’t be…” Giles cutted me off.
“Do you know how to use one of these?” He asked.
Giles picked up the knife on the ground and gave it to me.
“Well lets find out.” I said with a smile.” (It’s for vacuuming right?)
“Come hurry.” Giles brought me up.
And we raced to goin the battle. (Giles won)
Yes, yes. I know this was fairly short. But next time… oh man next time…
SOMEONE DIES. FOR REAL GUYS.
The finale. The last 3 chapters to the incredible tale of “Archine.”
See you in March.
It’s that time of year forever alones! The one day of the year that single people across the world think to themselves, “What the fuck is wrong with me.”
The time of year when you walk pass an aisle at the grocery store, see all the those heart-shaped candies and love letters and bitterly think to yourself, “What a waste of money.”
The ONLY day when you see a couple together, laughing, having a great time, and a certain thought pops in your head, “That douchebag has a girlfriend but I don’t?!”
Oh don’t turn to me for comfort. I will give you none. This year I’m being pampered. Hell, I don’t even have to make dinner. All I have to do is sit back and drink massive amounts of wine, and carefully tread the line between being sober enough to go all night or suffer performance anxiety!
It’s not even the official “National Steak and a Blow Job Day,” yet! But I’m very much looking forward to it.
Two years ago I gave the fellas and ladies 5 songs to make sweet sweet loving to on Valentine’s Day. Hey I like to help that significant other in your life be the moistest they can possibly be for you.
I got your back buddy.
This year I’m looking out for the lonely ones. Yes, you. You know what really sucks? Jumping off a cliff with a cement block tied to your feet because the girl you gave the mix tape to turned you down and instead is on a date getting wined and dined by that jerkhole with the bmw and later your mix tape will be the background noise as she’s getting plowed by said jerkhole.
We don’t want that do we?
5 Songs you should probably avoid on Valentine’s day.
“White Moon” (Under the Great White Northern Lights dvd)- The White Stripes
This song is sad enough. Some people say it’s about coke. Apparently coke is delicious. Fun fact. I never take my music symbolically. I take the lyrics as is. So it’s a whole different story when I listen to this song.
Do you want to know what makes this song even sadder? Seeing this video of Jack White making Meg White sit next to him has he plays this song and her only instrument is her tears.
Meg White is so cute. I kind of just want to smooch her face. So I kind of get EXTREMELY upset when I just see Meg sobbing for 3 minutes and I find myself screaming at my TV saying, “STOP IT. Jack White. You stop making Meg cry. I mean it. Cut it out. That’s right. Give her a hug dammit.”
Odinson’s Tear Rating: Jack White is still not returning my phone calls/10
“How Fortunate The Man With None” -Dead Can Dance
So after the last time I took a certain mind alternating substance this song came on and it broke my brain for a good couple of years. It made me think of my cat and how it was going to die one day and no one will remember what an amazing creature it was and how much of an impact it had and still has on my life.
Everything about this song is depressing as shit. So Depressing as shit that I haven’t listened to this song all the way through in over 8 years. This song is my kryptonite. The green kind.
I honestly don’t wish it on my worst enemy WHICH YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Odinson’s Tear Rating: Please don’t play that song again. My life has meaning!/10
“Crowd Surf Off A Cliff” – Emily Haines
Speaking of cocaine, I advise you to never listen to this sex goddesses solo stuff. I mean you should. It’s all really amazing. But be prepared to be in a terrible funk for the rest of the entire day.
I was on a terrible bachelor party once and in typical meathead fashion the bachelor party was held at a casino.
As my friends literally vomited hard-earned cashed which was spent almost immediately at the tables. I snuck away and found a slot machine. As I played the album this track finally came on and it opened my eyes. I looked to the left of me and there was zombies. To the right: cows. Lifeless humanity just putting in coin after coin, cranking that wheel, and watching the shiny.
Holy shit I wanted to cry. But hey I won 200 bucks with 40 bucks and didn’t have to pay for a single thing the rest of the time! Take that Native Americans!
Odinson’s Tear Rating: “These are tears of happiness I swear Emily. I can use them as lubricant. See? Wait. Where are you going?/10
“Mad World”- Gary Jules
The title of this song should just be change as “The Gears of War Theme Song.”
Gamers everywhere have cried only three times in their collective lives.
Strangely enough. It all comes from this game series.
1. The very first time the game was announced and we were giving one of the most depressing, yet amazing game trailers of all time.
Holy shit that video still gives me goosebumps.
2. In Gears of War 3 when Dom decides to drive a truck full of gasoline into an unstoppable horde to save the life of his friends.
3. The historical moment in video game history when gamers start collectively ball in multiplayer when the few piano lines play in a certain level as you curb stomp your opponent.
I’m sure Gary Jules had some deep personal meaning when he wrote this song. But it’ll forever be known as the only song a bunch of gamers start crying to while they chainsaw people in half.
Odinson’s Tear Rating: 8 Failed Chainsaw Active Reloads/10
“Parisienne Moonlight”- Anathema
I honestly don’t know how a band goes from being a Doom/Death Metal group to… well… this. Oh. I just figured it out. Perhaps they discovered they could get more people to kill themselves playing this type of music to a wider audience.
But it’s the classic depressing music you should never listen to when you’re alone.
Piano+Girl Voice+”It’s not you, it’s me”= OH GOD I’M SO LONELY.
Odinson’s Tear Rating: Don’t listen to this song while driving on a bridge/10
You know what? Just stay away from these songs. Avoid them. In fact avoid any song with a sad violin or piano in it. Act like classic music gives you a rash for a day. Also stay away from pretty lady voices too. Just don’t even bother listening to ANY music all day. Even something like “Good Vibration’s,” will seem like it’s giving you a pretty good argument in trying to kill yourself.
Don’t even drink booze. Especially stay away from bourbon. That’s a GOOD country song (but in a bad way) in the making!
There’s this amazing potion I recently discovered called “nyquil.” They even sell it at stores! I know! All you do is take a shot of it and in 30 minutes time you’re off on your adventures! Hopefully they aren’t nightmare inducing like mine!
Thank me later.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Oh how I can hear the complaints now.
“But… Odinson! How can you review a game that’s been out for well over a year now you fucking hack?!”
Silence! I smell your warm milked breath screaming at your computer right now. It’s gross. Practice good hygiene dammit!
The reason why this took so is so for a number of reasons:
1. My back category of games is so ridiculously large that I’m slowly, finally, getting through it.
2. Also the combination of epic gaming which was Skyrim, Mass Effect 3, Halo 4, and Borderlands 2 took a HUGE chunk of my gaming time this past year.
3. Unfortunately I’m an one game at a time kind of guy. I don’t like cheating on my other games.
So here we are. The NEW and IMPROVED and SEXY video game review.
In short. For the people who don’t want to read any further. How would I describe this game in one word?
The longer version…
Multiplayer is still a blast- If you own the games, you’re doing yourself a disservice for never playing the multiplayer.
It’s a ton of fun, easy to play, hard to master, and melts the hours away.
You’re not going to rage quit in this game. I never found myself complaining, getting angry, nor making excuses for my shitty gameplay at times.
Multiplayer that’s enjoyable.
Wow. What a concept.
What I love most about the game is the varying degrees of diversity you can tackle. Run around like an idiot attracting every enemy near you? Sure! (Although I should warn you’ll spend most of your time at the bottom of the scoreboard) Play aggressive. Play defensive. I’m a little of both.
I play mine quiet, cautious, and sneaky, up till the part when I shove my metal fan into your head.
The cat and mouse type of gameplay is extremely enjoyable. Revelations improved from what Brotherhood brought to the table in every single way.
Desmond’s sequence’s were a refreshing twist- Desmond is my least favorite character throughout the Assassin’s Creed series (Yes, that’s right. The main character). As you go about the game you start collecting these ‘data fragments,’ which unlock a side mission you may miss entirely. You take control of Desmond as his brain enters the animus, reliving major events throughout his life, all the while avoiding being erased permanently as the animus tries and “deletes,” the unwanted virus. Which is you.
What’s interesting is that you no longer are playing in third person. But first. Old school first person. No legs or arms. It has a Half-Life feel to it. The story starts off slow, but by the time he gets to New York I found myself invested. The visuals are just really beautiful. They use images very hauntingly, like you really are experiencing someone elses personal life. Act 4 I was blown away by. The scene when he was working at the club. The visuals of the woman’s lips on the wall. The house music. And then at the end of the act the computer system slowly melts into a dark, foggy street in New York while car lights wiz by you. Perfect. Loved the feel of it.
Check out 3:20, the guy doesn’t stay in the room as long as I did. But man I loved it. (Really need to get on the youtube!)
More Altair- I always found Altair more of an interesting character than Ezio. Ezio, for at least in Assassin’s Creed 2 was a little arrogant, typical “I stick my dick in things!” Kind of hero. Altair was more serious. I found his character for compelling.
So I was pretty thrilled to finally get to play as him for a handful of missions. Seeing him age throughout the years and grow wiser was a great send off to a character I feel a lot of people just don’t really care for. Underrated!
The ending scene with both Altair and Ezio was great and sent shivers… but mostly for Altair.
SEQUENCE 8. HORSE CHASE+PARACHUTE+SKY FIGHT=EPICNESS- This is how you end a game.
Sorry for the boring commentary. It is not I. My voice is illegal to hear in most countries. I make people too moist. I’m male a Black Canary.
Glitches galore- This game has sooooooooooooooo many glitches that I swore I was playing Fallout at times.
The game froze a few times. Which isn’t too bad. Luckily the game has a great autosave feature that turns on whenever you literally do a single action.
I had two major problems:
1. DLC would not download. I purchased the Mediterranean map packs and they didn’t download. It’s says I’ve downloaded them. But they don’t appear anywhere at all. Cleared my cache, tried deleting the file and redownloaded a dozen times. Nothing. It’s absolutely nowhere to be found. 800 points completely wasted. Thanks.
Even if it did happen to appear out of nowhere I wouldn’t even bother with it, I’m just cleaning up achievements now.
I noticed that there was also a “lost chapter,” for Ezio, but truthfully I’m a little nervous about buying that one now too. Shame.
2. The fucking fast forwarding background noise.
I don’t know if this is a rare thing or not. But almost immediately at the beginning of the game, every few seconds I’ll get this… I don’t know… evil fucking high-pitched laughing squirrel.
I thought I was going insane.
On top of that asshole squirrel I get like a bird getting raped by a monkey too.
I had to take off my turtlebeach headphones because it really was distracting me from the story. Over 24 hours of that shit. Too much. This is hands down the worst glitch I have ever experienced. My violated ears! What did I have do to deserve this Game God?
Characters uglier?- Was it just me or did the character graphics in this game looked a little off compared to Brotherhood? Excuse me, I was being kind. I meant ugly. Did anyone else think the ladies in the game smacked their heads off a belt sander?
I first noticed this when Ezio met his new love interest Sofia Sartor and I was kind of like… Her? Really?
I don’t know, I am all about the boobs. But I felt the characters looked a little off. This game was not to flattering to the ladies .
Same old, same old- Look I know this is a very tired complaint in the gaming community. But after 4 games of playing… almost the identical game. It was pretty rough to finish it.
Buy properties, buy books, climb that, eagle vision this, send out your assassin’s, collect this, follow that, remain undetected. It was all kind of… boring. Truthfully I only really stayed for the story. I felt like I at least owed that to the series. But even then there were times when the action on-screen was so frantic and all over the place that you’d miss the storyline entirely and sometimes even fail missions because it was telling you what to do right in the middle of it! Where’s the prep time?! I work like Batman!
Constantinople is a really breathtaking place. And this game absolutely captured its beauty. But at the end of the day this game really didn’t bring anything new to the table.
Let’s be honest here.
There wasn’t really any need for the hook blade and there was ZERO need for the bombs. (Did anyone even bother using the half of them?) I’m sorry but they didn’t ADD anything to what was ever there. Zip lining? Cool, but again was there ever really a need for it. When you could just fast travel between sewers or just run through the streets shoving all the annoying civilians out-of-the-way as they spout off their one line I’ve heard a thousand times?
One more little complaint. I’m a Master Assassin. I move through the shadows. Stalk the night. Why is it when I steal gold from someone the entire city turns around and stares at me like I’m the last human left in a Revenge of the Body Snatchers flick. Bull shit.
To sum it all up? I’m happy I played this game. I’m happy to see a closing after the 5 years I’ve spent with Ezio and Altair. But man am I glad this is over. I’m going to need a break from these games for a long time.
Assassin’s Creed Revelations gets 3 Odinson Half Hard Boners out of 5.
Someone isn’t who they really are…
A trap has been set. Will it be sprung?!
Have you folks been clamoring for this?!
Does this clone like me or something?
Why me? Why not Giles, Angle (58!), or the others. Sometimes it stinks being the chosen one. (I feel ya girl)
Well anyways the clone fell on me hard.
I could hear Xander say. “Oh great. Here we go again.” (Is exactly what we’re all thinking right now)
Then Giles say “Keep a eye on the real Buffy.”
It’s real werid fighting your self. We are so ecale mathed (calculus) that it’s hard punching back. Well at least I shared my blows. But in exchange I got bet up a little. But then I felt a strong grab.
Angle (59) whipped me around. I looked over to the imposter. Archine had a frim grip on the clone. (Yeah he did.)
“Another trizia again?” Willow asked. (Trizia. The Italian word for “What the fuck am I talking about.”)
“Yes I’m afraid so.” Giles said. “OK. How did Archine die?” He add.
I said. “The Master.”
The Clone said. “The Clone.”
“You guys are both right.” Giles said.
I got frustrated.
“Quick! How old is Angle (60)?” Archine said.
I didn’t know the azat age but I knew he was around 240.
So I said. “240.”
The Clone said. “242.”
Angle (61) was shock. “I am 242.” (Well, sorry possible real Buffy, you were off by two years. It’s time to kill you.)
I said. I knew I was in big trobale. BIG TROBALE.
Archine and Angle (62) were exaping me to punch them our something. But I didn’t.
Giles quickly grabbed a chair and some rape. (…)
Angle (63) forced me onto the chair. And tied the rope around me tight. (This really did turn Japanese fast.)
“I’m not the clone. If I was the clone I would have morphed into something.” I said tring to explain it to them.
The fake Buffy grined at me.
“Angle (64) guard the clone if he move kill him, Giles take your car for a quick spin. Just to make sure if any other clones are out there. The rest of you come with me.”
They couldn’t bye this. Come on guy think! I thought.
“But Buffy that Clone is the last of them.” Giles said.
Yes! Somebody is awake. But the imposter didn’t have to think long. Because the respones was.
“Giles, those books can be tricky. (Oh those books!)
The others quickly took off. Angle (65) watching me as if a hawk watches his prey. Were did that hawk sentence came from? Oh well. I couldn’t take the pressure.
“Come on Angle (66)! You know I am the real Slayer. Just let me free. So we can beat the clone.”
Angle (67) looked at me coldly. “You’re the one that attacked me.”
He pointed to the huge cuts on his stomach. (“Yeah. This boo-boo right here.”)
“I should have killed you be now. But I won’t. If you are the real Buffy I’m sorry. (“And I’m also sorry about that clone that’s killing all your friends right now. But you forgot how old I was so there.” If not you’re doing a pretty good job being her.” He looked down. “But if you pull anything I’ll kill you.”
I felt my hopes sank. I won’t have enough time to have my friends. They will be killed by the clone. I looked down. Knowing there fate. Then I noticed the rope. Maybe. I thought. Just maybe I’m strong enough to snap the ropes. My hands started working right away.
I finally snap the rope. Angle (68) had his back turned around. I felt gulity but I had to take Angle (69) out so I could help the others. I snuck up. But Angle (70) quickly turned around and jabbed me in the stomach.
“It doesn’t take a geniuse to figure out you were cutting the rope.” Angle (71) said with his vampire face on.
It was such a hard blow that It caught me of guard. I fell to the ground.
“Angle (71)…. why? I love you. And you repay me by hurting me?” I had a coulpe of tears slowly moveing down my face. (More material for Mr. Wiseau)
Right then Angle (72) knew I was the real Buffy.
He heeled down. “I’m so sorry Buffy. I just wanted revange for what the clone did to me.” Angle (73) tried to explain. (I can also imagine him saying lines like, “You made me do this to you.” And “I FUCKING LOVE YOU!”)
He hugged me while lefting me up.
“If I was in your possion I would have done the same thing.” I said. “Butt enough about me. We got to tell the others their with the clone.” I added.
“I’ll go. You get what you need.” Angle (73) said.
Just like that he took off. I went in the wepon room. I decided no stakes this time. Theirs too many to carry. Plus I can’t carry just one stake. So I went to an extra crossbow. (Ugh crossbow AGAIN?! It’s a shit weapon!) Hopefully this one won’t brake. I then close the wepon room and lock it (Safety first.). And took off, trying to catch up with Angle (74).
(I find it funny how they apparently captured the last “clone,” and instead of just killing it off, like any sane monster hunter would do, they proceed to tie it up and leave it alone. It has a very golden age comic book villain feel to it. You can see where my dumbass self was inspired by)
We followed Buffy. We followed her for a mile and ended up in Sunnydale Park. That’s when I started to get nervous.
“Were are we going Buffy?” I asked.
“We’re going to the secert clone place.” She said to us.
“How do you know all that stuff?” Archine asked.
“I.. uh.. I.. uh. The clone told me.” (BUT HOW?!)
Thats when I started thinking. Did we choose the wrong Buffy? I questioned myself. (Oh well!)
“Was that the clone’s last words or something. Because by now Angle (75) probaly killed the clone.” Xander said jogging to catch up with us.
“Thats what I’m hoping for.” Buffy said with a smile on her face.
Something was wrong. I could feel it in my heart. (Oh well!)
“Buffy I know it was had fighting yourself. But get over it.” I told her. (Whoa! Cold blooded!)
She looked at me. “I think you don’t know what it feels like and plus maybe we will run into a couple vampires on the way.” (One sentence foreshadowing)
That when we heard Xander say. “A couple? How about a couple dozen.”
I looked around and counted quickly 24 vampires. (Ooooohhhh shit!!!)
“Great they got together enuf people to take us out.” Buffy said.
“Thats why we haven’t seen any vampires around lately.” I wispered. (Precisely! Even though this was NEVER mentioned once!)
I heard one of them say. “Kill everyone espacicle the Slayer and save her head. (For later.)
We got in a little circule back-to-back.
“Ready Archine?” Buffy asked.
“Like always.” (Fuck yeah.)
Buffy then asked Xander. “Xander?”
“Yeah I gusse so.”
“Everyone protect Willow.” She ordered.
They all attacked us. I quickly douged some of them. I moved back a little from the fight and wacthed. Instead of a one-on-one fight the vampires teamed up. Buffy was fighting 7 vampires, and so were the others.
Wait a sec.
I counted 24 vampires. Theres only 21 vampires fighting down there. I heard grunts behind me. (Perverse grunts) I slowly turned.
There were the other three. Two of them were women. One man.
The man said to me. “So darlen do you want to end it quickly or do you want it to be long and painful?” (Willow… NO!!)
The ultimate battle.
4 chapters left.
I’ll bring the chair, you bring the rape.