Around this time of year, during the holiday season, I always look back and think of all the wonderful memories I’ve shared with my family and loved ones.
It’s a great time of year to just embrace the positive energy around you and get in the Christmas Spirit. This year, for whatever reason, I’m feeling it. I’m feeling pretty damn good.
With all the feel goods that are going around, I still can’t help but think about a certain Christmas, when I was a wee jerk, and all I wanted was one certain thing, that I didn’t end up getting, which successfully destroyed my Christmas. Which I might add is a story my family still pokes fun at and I still get super salty over.
*Insert fade away past time music*
Killer Instinct came out on the SNES in 1995. It was the only thing in the world I wanted. Craved for it. Obsessed with it. My parents honestly could have only gotten me that and I’d be happy.
But lets go back a year… This story has legs. Long ones.
It was the summer of ’94 and my Mom and I were walking out of the grocery store and my begging for a video game rental began. You see, back in ancient times, there was actual stores for just renting video games. I know, weird. But they existed. My Mom gave me the thumbs up and I blindly ran through the parking lot giving zero fucks about the dangers around me. I swung open the store doors and was immediately punched in the face by the coolest thing I’ve ever seen:
The black sexy beast of an arcade cabinet summoned me into its grasp, my eyes opened for entry as it began to suck my soul through my widen eyeballs which began to melt right when this popped up on the screen:
I was done.
I need to step back for a moment and point out something. There are few moments in a gamers life when they’re completely blown by a game, when you transform to a casual player to a gamer. Those moments where they solidify gaming as a part of your life. A few off the top of my head are: the first time I played Mario Brothers on the NES, the first time I played Street Fighter 2 beating it with my favorite character Blanka, realizing I was only half way done with The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past, getting a video cassette tape in the mail from Nintendo teasing the release of Donkey Kong Country. Those moments.
Killer Instinct was the biggest mind blowing video game moment of my life. I can’t remember a time in my life that a video game melted my brain so hard. Well maybe that one time when I was on shrooms playing Halo at a LAN party. But besides the fact. My child’s brain was in shock. I walked up to the sexy arcade cabinet, put in my .50$, picked a werewolf, and proceeded to get my ass kicked by a velociraptor.
It was one of the most enjoyable experiences I’ll never be able to describe.
This game was created to destroy children’s imaginations. The characters were absurd: ninja, werewolf, cyborg, Human Torch, evil Iceman, girl with big boobs, mohawk indian, Balrog, Jason and the Argonauts Skeleton, dinosaur. The announcer never stopped screaming at you which was awesome because he had the coolest voice ever, also he existed before hype was even a word. The dude created hype. And the music, oh that delicious industrial music. It was so HARD. It stuck with you. I can still till this day hum my favorite tunes.
I was hooked. It was over. Nothing else mattered. I talked about it. Breathed it. Dreamed about it. Every. Single. Day. I looked forward to going to the grocery store every Friday because I knew, I would eventually get my sweet 5 minutes with the game. Make no mistake. I was terrible. The game started to gain huge popularity with the older kids. I was a 9 year old rubbing elbows with teenagers 14, 15, 16. Who understood the games mechanics, footsies, special moves and combos, and they were sooooo mean. But I was mesmerized by how they fought, and even gave up my quarters to them from time to time just to see how far the better players could go. As the months went on I did get better. I started winning a few matches, which the older kids hated, I would get poked at, jabbed, made fun of, but I didn’t care, I was in love with the game and the music continued to bring me back for more.
The game was in the store for about a year until it was replaced by Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. I remember walking into the store that day and being completely heartbroken when I saw that cabinet gone (even though I was a huge MK fan as well). I asked the clerk what happened to Killer Instinct and he told me it was long gone. Tears started building up, thinking I’d never see Killer Instinct again. The owner, seeing the potential threat of a 9 year old dork with glasses and braces about to have a total meltdown right in the middle of his store quickly jumped at me with amazing news:
Killer Instinct was coming to the Super Nintendo Entertainment System.
With a free cd of the soundtrack.
I started immediately on my parents. I had to be sly though. This was the age where violent video games where considered to be Satan’s cock so I had to be smart about my attack. Like cutting out every Killer Instinct ad I saw and strategically gluing them all over my Dad’s newspaper. Even dropping the game into casual discussions: Mom: “How was your day Odinson?” Me: “Killer Instinct is coming to the Super Nintendo Mom.” I even provided helpful facts about the game. Me: “Dad do you know if you get Killer Instinct it comes with a free cd? Aren’t cds really expensive? Isn’t that really nice of them Dad?”
The plan was set. They knew what I wanted. All I had to do was behave for Santa for the next few months and the game would be mine. I was even lucky enough to get a video game magazine where they listed every characters moves, combos, and finishers. I studied that guide for weeks and memorized every single move for every character. In the morning, during recess, before bed. That mag was in my hand. A personal bible.
Then Walmart happened.
Fucking Walmart and my fucking ego.
The electronic department had something special set aside that day. Killer Instinct on the SNES. On the biggest tube TV at the time. Two controllers. I don’t remember walking, running, even teleporting to it. But all I remember is the 2nd controller in my hand, pressing start, and looking at my opponent who was no more older than I was and had no idea how to play the game.
I picked Fulgore. I pulled off specials, had the announcer screaming “ULTRAAAAA!” and even sent my opponent off a building crashing into a car.
All the while shit talking the poor kid the entire time. Not only did those visits at the arcade taught me how to fight, they gave me a dictionary of a 1990′s 15 year old.
“You smell like poop. Did you drop a dookie in your pants?”
“I’m going to have ghost aliens kidnap you in your bed tonight.”
“I’m going to squeeze your sister’s boobies.”
Ugh it went on. It went on until I defeated him and made him put down the controller and walk away so I could play the story mode for a more “real challenge.” Minutes, hours, a lifetime flew by as I worked my way up the ladder. Until I felt a tap on my shoulder and the voice of my mother telling me it’s time to go.
I turned around and gushed to her about the game. How it’s on SNES now! I’ve been playing it forever at the Video Game store! How it’s the only thing in the world that I wanted for Christmas! I begged her to take a moment to watch me play the game. She did, as I decimated Spinal in a quick match. I turned around proudly, never feeling that good since then, how accomplished it felt. I awaited the praise at how amazing I was at the game, how she should just buy it now because I was so good.
I got the three worst words any boy never wants to hear from their parents.
“It’s. Too. Violent.”
It was the most crushing sentence I can remember from my childhood.
Too violent? I… couldn’t understand the term. These were the same parents that let me watch Terminator 2, Predator, and Alien. The same parents who made me watch X-Files with them every Friday night. Sure they scared the shit out of me and made me keep my head under the covers, till I was 16, at night because it’d protect me from ghost. But too violent? Why God why?
Surely she must have been joking right? But up until Christmas Eve I had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Then the day came.
The morning came and went in a flurry of unwrapping gift after gift. After it was all over not one gift was Killer Instinct. Which was… OKAY. Not only is the 25th of December Christmas… it’s also my birthday! And knowing my sneaky parents, they always saved the best gifts for my birthday. My confidence had increased, those parents, oh those sneaky parents trying to torture me all day just to see me suffer. Smart move Mom and Dad. But you can’t fool me. I kicked back and played with my toys knowing full well what tonight will bring.
Christmas Dinner ends. It’s officially now my birthday.
Two gifts in I started sweating. When my Mom handed me my third gift I quickly breathed out a sigh of relief. I knew it was a SNES game from the start. I loved those SNES boxes. Remember when game’s came out with thick booklets? I remember holding the gift tightly, and starting to salivate. I was already pregaming my excitement, my surprise, it was going to be epic. I was going to reenact my favorite Killer Instinct moves. I slid my fingers underneath the tape, pulled apart the wrapping paper, and staring back at me was…
Troy Aikman Football.
Confusion, frustration kicked in. Why the hell would I want a football game and who the fuck is Troy Aikman. I held back tears, practically chocked on them. Who’s fault is this? Was it mine? Did I do something? I sat down stunned as my parents gave me my final gift. There happiness was at an all time high. They were really looking forward to this gift, the big one. The gift was huge and light and I remember pathetically thinking to myself that maybe there was a Killer Instinct in there. I opened it, I stared at it. It was a Miami Dolphins winter coat. We live in New England and the only reason I liked the Dolphins at the time was because of mine much cooler and older cousin loved them. I looked at the both of my now equally confused parents and excused myself. Tears building up, I ran upstairs and cried in the bathroom. Balled.
I remember my Dad just not getting it. My Mom upset and angry. I remember trying to convince everyone everything is fine and I was just super excited about the jacket and I didn’t want them to see me cry from happiness. I remember later in the night watching a movie and my Mom going to bed and my Dad reassuring her as she went up stairs saying, “Honey, you did a good job.”
I ruined Christmas. I hurt my Mom’s feelings. And I made the house miserable to be in for the entire school vacation. I felt like such an asshole. But how could I explain myself? I just turned 10. I wanted to tell them how much I loved everything. I even loved the coat. But getting Troy Aikman Football just destroyed any amount of happiness at the time that I couldn’t express myself properly.
Till this day my parents bring up the Miami Dolphins Winter Coat as me being the most selfish, bratty, child move I ever did. And every time I try to defend myself and explain my side of the story. We laugh about it, they even act out how I reacted when I opened that last gift, and love telling everyone about the story. All my sneaky attempts of me slipping Killer Instinct into everything? Went completely over both of their heads. Whenever I bring up my side of the story, they always say, “What’s a Killer Instinct?” They never knew how much it meant to me. Our two sides will never meet. It was never about the coat, hell I wore that thing for years, it was just a child’s desire for that ultimate gift.
By the way, it took me two solid years to finally play Troy Aikman Football. That game was broken as dicks. Thanks Troy.
There’s no moral to this tale. No real meaning behind it. Till this day I didn’t even think of myself as being an ungrateful kid. It took another 10 years, when I was 19, that I finally got my hands on a copy of Killer Instinct at a flea market for 35 bucks. I plugged my SNES back in and played that game for weeks with my friends. Revisiting the game flooded me with all those great memories. To me, it still held up.
I think some of you know where this is going. Another 10 years since I finally got the game, the Xbox One has been released and the new Killer Instinct is one of their launch titles. It is breathtaking. Just… look at this trailer:
Gah. Did your goosebumps get goosebumps? The characters! The music! The original announcer! The guys behind this game captured everything that made the original unique. Perfectly captured the games essence. It’s core. This Christmas I won’t be getting Killer Instinct… again. And certainly not a Xbox One. But I know in a few years, it’ll be mine. No worries. I just thought about how funny it all kind of is. You know?
Happy Holidays. I hope you spend it around people who mean the most to you. And if you’re a kid whose head erupted in glee from watching the new Killer Instinct trailer and didn’t get it for Christmas, no worries man, just wait around for a decade or two.
Would you trust this man with your woman?
The correct answer is no. Fuck no for an A+. Do you SEE that mustache on him? A ginger with a mustache has been scientifically proven to be the most deadliest human being in the multiverse. Mustache rides from these mythical creatures of legend are spoken in whispers between the womenfolk. I refuse to leave this man alone with Mrs. Odinson. I have to grow a full goddamn beard just to compete with this man, and I have the blood of Odin in me!
Family man, cop, stand up comedian, friend. Steve is the type of guy you’d do anything for. When there’s an opportunity for it, you jump at the chance. I’ve known Steve since I was a little jerky demigod and have always looked up to him. Now grown up, and being slightly less jerky, I consider Steve as one of my best friends. In the higher pantheon of friendship.
One of Steve’s greatest talents, which I can’t help but envy, is walking into a room and completely dominating it with laughter. He’s the much funnier friend in the group that makes you ponder, “I thought I was the funny guy in the group?” Sitting back, and watching Steve develop his natural ability of humor and crafting it into the art form of stand up has been a real treat. A honor to see. It’s like humor is Steve’s mutant ability. And that mutant ability will save him from Magneto pulling out all the iron out of his body when he attacks the X-Mansion.
Alright enough hyping people. Steve has started a podcast. It’s called ‘Gettin Up With Steven Gould.’ Already just two episodes in and it’s starting to gain ground. TLC has taught me many things in life like don’t go chasing waterfalls, that shit’s pretty stupid advice, I mean they’re right THERE. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. They also taught me that I ain’t too proud to beg. Now I ain’t begging, but just suggesting. Join us. Come join us at the house of Gould. With your help, great things will come. Mostly in your pants. But still, belly laughs will occur. If you’re a podcast addict like myself please subscribe, rate, review. If anything, with an outsiders view, it’s cool seeing the possible potential coming out of this. Seeing a friend, a brother, who isn’t afraid to throw himself into the land of the internet is terrifying, exciting, hopeful and leaves me hopeful for success!
So you’re probably asking, “For the love of god Brion, please shut the fuck up, just shut up and tell me what to do to make you shut up and follow this magnificent man.” First, I am sorry. Second, here you go:
Can be found on iTunes and Zune (Microsoft) right now by searching “Gettin Up” or Steven Gould. In the process of registering with Stitcher and Double Twist.
Links to listen:
You’re welcome in advance,
Ascend is a free to play video game for Xbox gold membership players which I had zero idea even existed before I pressed the A button to download it. Can’t say no to free and I can never say no to video games.
It’s… an okay game. But I can’t stop myself from playing it.
This is the first time I’ve come across where microtransactions are a big driving force behind a game. It’s super tempted to throw a few bucks at it to make the gameplay a little more forgiven for an hour or so. But you don’t have to pay actual money to get through this game. I say this game is okay but I find it incredibly addicting. I feel it appeals to an older type of gamer. The one who doesn’t mind grinding levels and clearing dungeons to get the best type of gear over and over again. It’s repetitive too. Which is a word gamers nowadays tend to cringe at. But I don’t mind doing that, especially if I have to kill a little time, or drank one too many beers and don’t want to play a heavily story driven game.
Sometimes turning off your brain is a good thing.
Or it could be easy achievements, which I’m guilty of chasing from time to time. For whatever reason I have no idea why I won’t clean up a few for Dishonored, but have zero problems grinding levels for another 5 hours for this game.
I looked around on the internet and didn’t see too many articles about this game. Even fewer tips. So to help out my fellow-man, I’m going to share a few tips about this game I’ve picked up along the way. Before I continue though, this is just the Beta version of the game. Things could change in future installments. But with 20 hours already dumped into this game, I’m confident enough to point out a few things.
1. Don’t bother upgrading weapons.
Those nice weapons you see in the store for 10 bucks a pop isn’t worth it. Why? Because everything breaks in this game. The nicer or rarer the piece of armor or weapon the more expense it’s going to cost you to repair it. Then you’ll be stuck in vicious cycle of throwing 5 bucks here and there. Even worse… justifying it!
So what do you do? Save everything. Every piece of armor and weapons you get just stash it. Use whatever piece you have on you and use it till it breaks. Once it breaks, sell it and go onto the next piece of equipment you have. When there’s enough accumulated I tend to equip myself with midrange armor and weapons. Save the better gear for bosses and ascending your Caos.
2. Spend all of your souls on magic.
Magic is king in this game. Your first priority is start beefing up some of your better spells. By the time I created my third Caos I already had two of my spells fully upgraded; Ionized Spark and Seekers. Most areas I go into now, I’m able to just spam my magic until nothing is moving. The damage and recharge time, once upgraded, are so much better than what most weapons can do. For Light, go with Chain Lighting. A spell I sorely missed out on. Ionized Spark is great and fast, but Chain Lighting does the same thing and hits everything on-screen. Void, go with Seekers, they do less damage than the other magics but they track down enemies and can hit them multiple times. Finally Dark… is a little tougher. I tend to go with Fury because of the increased damage and speed burst for a short time. Dark has a lot of great spells and most of them give your enemies a ‘bleed,’ effect further damaging them for an extra few seconds.
Magic in this game is also considered a “legacy,” item. Meaning it carries onto your next character. You have them forever including all your upgrades. Magic is the only thing you should concentrate on.
3. Choose your battles wisely.
Fighting every single creature in this game isn’t beneficial for a number of reasons. One being you’ll break more armor and weapons frequently. Costing you to spend more souls in repairs. Which gets expensive really fast. I’ve been there with my first Caos. At level 15 I had zero souls and was running around in my loincloth shitting myself whenever a group of trolls popped up. I was getting so desperate that I was about to quit the game entirely or even, yes, spend money to buy souls.
Another reason is this game has a ton of cheap enemies (I’m looking at you White Wolves and Beserker Trolls). The bigger creatures are harder to stun, disrupt combos, and if they get in a few unblock hits, can kill you in seconds regardless of the armor you have on.
My best advice is to choose your battles. Especially in dungeons and out in the open. You can run past 95% of conflicts and you won’t miss out at souls at all. From all the equipment you’ll be saving, as well as focusing on weak opponents, which will help boost your multiplier for extra souls, your Caos won’t miss a beat. Raiding areas becomes so much easier, faster, and safer.
But what about those fights you can’t run fun? Funny you should ask.
4. When in doubt. Run around in a giant circle.
As much as this game’s into likes to trick you into thinking you’re this big dick Conan type character on steroids and deer’s blood, the opposite can’t be true enough. You are in fact everything’s bitch in this game. You will die thousands of times. Even bitches learn new tricks though. When stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of, my sage like knowledge is this: Run around in a circle and spam magic attacks. Simple. As. That. Every boss in this game is huge, thus making the area you fight him in massive. A lot of them even summon extra enemies to come after you. The trick here is to just keep moving, run, and hug the outside. The weaker enemies die off and the boss is slow enough to run from. A spell like Ionized Bolt even stuns bosses for a second making it easy to run in for a quick couple of hits. Rinse and repeat. This tends to work most of the time. Over cockiness is your downfall when playing this way. So just be smart.
Ascend doesn’t reward you. It wants you to spend real money on it. I hope these tips help. They may be basic but I really wish something like this was around when I first started playing it. My first Caos was… shameful to say the least. I got no idea why, but I’m pretty addicted to this game. It’s fun and mindless. Sometimes, it’s okay for games to be like that. If you have any questions just leave them below, I’ll be more than happy to help.
Follow my adventures into gaming on my youtube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/BrionOdinson
I’m planning on making a youtube video for this game as well. So stay tuned.
Updated 10/13/12: As promise folks here the video for it. Enjoy!
As promised here it is folks.
The final FOUR chapters to the year long saga comes to an end tonight!
Will the gang survive the final wave of vampires?!
Take a look into the mind of a young Odinson’s spank bank.
Does the Clone have the last laugh when friends turn on each other?!
Angle no more. It’s… ANGEL.
The Odinson Corporation proudly presents to you, “My 13 Year Old Self Wrote A Buffy The Vampire Story. Part 10. The Finale.”
Weak, tired, dizzy I stood in back of Buff and Archine. (Here we go!)
“We need some kind of wepoen.” Buffy said.
Archine punched the ground. And then he yanked up two stakes well sharp roots. (So Hulk)
“Thanks” I said tiredly.
Buffy hurled her stake at a vampire the first one doged it the second one wasen’t so luckly. I saved mine I can’t throw them like a slayer.
11 more vampires left. This time we attacked first.
Buffy and Arch plowed into them while I slade one of the vampires on the ground.
Buffy took off her cruiex and shoved it down a vampire’s throat. He soalloed it by axindent. (That might be the worst spelling of a word in this whole damn thing) It burned him from inside.
It killed him.
Arch tore off a vamps head.
Buffy and Archine tied up 3 more vamps together. Buffy tossed me a pack of matches. (The three of them just stood there the entire time.)
“Don’t leave home without them.” She said with a voice trying to sound like Smoky the Bare.
“Um.. Buffy its “Only you can prevent forset fires.” I corrated her. (Terrible)
“I don’t care just burn them.” She orderd me.
Man shes bein acting real strange for a few hours. I burned the 3 vamps.
The odds were getting fare.
But us three were getting wiped. I couldn’t barly punch as well as I usly do. We moved back trying to get a quick rest before another round of fighting.
“Do you mind if we could help?” Someone fimmerly asked us 3 from behind.
Beening scared half to death we jumped around. It was Giles and Willow.
“Haven’t I told you to never do that?” I asked him.
“Oh shut up Xander.” Buffy said. “Every body get a man.” She added.
Vampire’s vs A slayer, 3 humans, And 1 vampire let me refrase that 1 good vampire.
We all colided. Amazing Willow (New superhero) was the first person to kill a vampire. She stab the vamp’s head and sliced her way down. (Yikes) Giles was second. He quickly doged the wild swing vampire. And sliced off it’s head. Giles helped killed off Buffy’s and Arch’s vamp. My guy tried to take off. But Archine slammed his fist into the ground pulled out a sharpe root and fluing it at the vampire it died. (What trees in California have just a shit load of sharp roots laying around?)
“So,” I said lying on the ground with the others. “Who wants to do that again?”
They all looked at me. “Joke! Joke! Jess… Guys can’t take a joke or something.” I muttered. Under my breath.
I was the second to last person to get up. (Confused.)
“Why can’t we have normal lifes? Why can’t Pamula Anderson or Tira Banks be the Slayer? If I was a vampire I would like to get a piece out of them.” Xander said to us. (These are the moments that make me cringe looking back at my younger self and feeling horrible for the pounding my penis took back then.)
Me, feeling alfully bad that I would never look like a “Hot babe.” (It’s true Willow. You never will.)
Buffy turned around at Xander and said sharply. “Listen Xander, I’m sick of your whineing. Why can’t you shut up, your a guy for the devils sake.” (?!)
She turned around and started walking.
“In devels sake? Since when is Buffy worshiping the Devil.” (Oh I get it, she’s evil and evil people say Devil’s Sake instead of God’s sake. Still not clever Brion.)
“Does she always act like this? If so I’m going to leave.” Archine asked us.
“No. Usully Buffy’s real cool and all. I’ll go talk to her.” I said. I jobbed over to her. “Whats a matter Buffy?” I asked her politly.
She turned her head with a grin of pure evil on it. Right then I knew she wasen’t Buffy.
“You’er.. you’er not Buffy.” I said.
She said. “I know. But it doesn’t matter for you. You’r dead.” (“I waited all this time to reveal my secret AFTER we all survived the epic vampire battle!”)
Just like that she morphed into Angel and waked in the face. Everything turned dark. As I fell to the ground I suddenly relize that this is what happened in my dream.
I am going to die. (Willow! Your dream came true!)
I quickly rushed after Willow. It was all my failt. I should of figured it out. I cheaked for a plus. No plus. I started painicing.
“How is she?” Archine asked.
I slowly looked up to him. “I think she’s dead.” I wispeared.
Out of no where a burst of anger appered on Arch’s face. “Nooo!” He bellowed. (Bellowing should come back in style.)
Arch went after the clone. He put his hand on the clone’s sholder.
“You killed me and now it’s your turn.” He said coldly.
Arch slammed his fist into the clones stomach. The clone fell gasping for air. And then Arch went over to The clone. And tore out his beating heart and crushed it with his bare hands. (Well… that was anticlimactic.)
Thats when Buffy came. The real one. She saw the dead clone on the ground. but he was in Angel morph. (Classic!)
“We trusted you…” She said shaking her head.
She took out a stake. And leaped at Arch. He doge quickly.
“Buffy, it’s not the real Angel.” I tried to expain,
She care right now. “You idiot he’s the clone.” (He’s was TRIPLED underlined fyi)
She jabbed me in the stomach and tried to lunge at him again.
Arch softly puncher her. She was out.
He turned to face Giles and I. “We should bring Willow to the hospilal.” He ordered.
Angle (76!) appered “What happened?” He asked.
“We got to bring Willow to the hospital. She might die.” Giles informed Angle (77) . “Let me get my car.” He added.
A minute later. We all cramed into his car. With Willow in my hands and Buffy in Angels hands I felt that Willow might make it. (BUT YOU SAID SHE WAS DEAD.) We finally got to the hospital.
“Hurry, hurry, hurry.” One guy ordered me bring a streacher to lay Willow on. (He wasn’t a doctor though.)
Buffy woke up in Angel’s arms. “What… what happened?”
23. Buffy: Beep…beep…beep.
Willow’s restperator was the only sound in the room for a while.
“Will she be alright doc?” I asked the doctor by side Willow.
“No broken bones but major brusies.” He said then he looked up at us curicouse. “What happened to her?”
We all looked at each other anserws not popping up. All what I could think of was the truth. I acusing Archine of hurting everyone.
Giles came up with an answerw. “Well, you see…” He paused for a second. “She ran right into a tree.”
“Um… yes.” (The brilliant, strategic Giles everyone!)
Xander, Angle (78. If you’ve been taking shots, I’ve probably killed you by now.), and I looked at him. He surgged. The doctor got up. “Not to worry Willow will be find in a couple of days.”
And like that he left.
“Listen guys I gotta go. This places is driving me craze.”
Angle Angel said. (78, after 78 times writing Angel as Angle for 52 pages, at the end of the story, THE LAST FEW SENTENCES. I finally made a conscious decision and change his name. Wish it was sooner.)
“Tell Willow that I said I hope you feel better.” He left.
Giles and Xander told me they should make some calls. I went outside were Arch was.
“Butiful night hun?” I asked looking up at the stars. (“Yeah, it’s pretty butty.”)
“It could have been better.” was the repley.
He turned around to face me. “I’m not mad, I understand that you are the Slayer, you made a good call if I was you I would too.”
I stuck out my hand.
We shook hands.
And they all lived happily ever after like a bunch of douchebags.
Well folks. We did it. I hoped you enjoyed this as much as I had writing it.
BUT IT’S NOT OVER YET!
Come back next month for the official recap. Real talk.
Have any questions? Leave them down below.
And I may have a nice little treat in store too…
See you next month, but for now, my childhood needs a drink.
LET IT BEGIN!!!
On March 31st 2013 this stupid planet will be rocked to its very core when Game Of Thrones comes back on tv and impregnates all your holes.
GoT combines my two favorite things.
Swords and boning.
I wonder if non-nerds try to convince themselves that this ISN’T a nerdy show. I bet they secretly hate themselves for liking it. “Yeah but this show has tits in it!” Yeah well, so does literally every single nerdy thing does. You have fantasy football. We have fantasy tits. Welcome, our side is better.
As an avid alcoholic, I enjoy all things in life with a cup full of booze in my hand. What better way to celebrate the Mountain Who Rides slicing the shit out of a horse’s head then with a nice helping mug of artisanal bourbon to warm the soul. My cousin and I’s personal favorite choice of blackout.
If you aren’t in the know, which I know you most certainly are not, a favorite craft brewery of mine, Ommegang, has partnered with HBO to release the official “Game of Thrones,” beer. It’s first release is the ‘Iron Throne,’ a blonde ale. When I think GoT I kind of don’t think blonde ale, but if it’s called ‘Iron Throne,’ and the Iron Throne is located in King’s Landing, a warm area, with the current King being a Lannister, then I guess it makes sense.
I can’t help but think this is one fucking cool idea. This is just the first, with more GoT themed beers along the way. Can we at least be promised House Stark gets a smoked porter or stout please?
This got me thinking what OTHER booze products would be acceptable consumption? Nah, I’m lying, I thought of this idea a year ago, but now with Ommegang releasing these awesome beers it was a perfect opener for this blog!
There may be minor spoilers ahead. Be warned. But nothing major here. Honestly I just walked around taking pictures of labels that made the GoT music start in my head.
It’s not overly creative.
Are you a Maesters to a whinny little lordling? Do you get tired of hearing about a crippled little brat crying over how he’ll never ride again? Or even trying to clean up the mess of two prostitutes forced to beat their asses bloody with a cane for the pleasure of your king? Well after a hard days work you deserve a nice red glass of RAVENSWOOD zinfandel. Let the pains of a servitude life, that you total chose by the way, wash away!
Is your family a bunch of scumbags? Do they honestly have like zero redeeming qualities? You know the usual, burning children alive, finger banging your sister, disowning your only living male heir. Then maybe you have more things in common with the Greyjoys! To say House Greyjoy are a bunch of doucebags is giving feminine hygiene a bad name. They’re a fishy bunch! So maybe a LEFT HAND BLACKJACK PORTER will liven up the dysfunctional family spirits. Or even better! How about some stereotypical rum! Cause they’re like organized pirates! Look no further than KRAKEN! Just try to resist the urge to pick up the bottle and say, “Release the kraken!” I know you won’t be able too. Because you’ll think you’re funny. But you’re not. In fact no one that has ever said that can comprehend what humor actually is. And knowing you, you probably think Theon is cool. The only two cool Greyjoys don’t show up till book 4 anyways. And I’m stuck listening to my cousin groin about how hot Asha is suppose to be from the book and how much she isn’t on the show for the next 3 seasons. Even though it’s never really mentioned at all. Ever. Thanks a lot Greyjoys.
Have a special girl in your life? Well why don’t you treat her nice for once and get her a bottle of FORADORI. From Italy. It has a dragon on it. Trust me, it’ll send any girl squealing about how in GoT world she’d be ‘Khaleesi,’ even though they have no idea what a ‘Daenerys,’ is when you compliment her. Honestly every single woman in the world believes she’s Khaleesi right? It’s got to tap into some fairytale world stuff of fairies and princesses and unicorns. There were like 1 million Khaleesi’s for Halloween last year. It’s insane. Oh well, if you have a lady in your life that’s loves this shit hard than don’t complain. You could be stuck watching her reality shows while she takes up the whole couch and you’re shoved in the corner. Besides if they really love Khaleesi so much then wait till they see what happens in this season! HIGH FIVE! Drink that wine down baby! Let’s broaden that mind!
Perhaps you belong to a family where absolutely nothing goes right for you. At all. All because you’re the only decent bunch of people too. The gods just decided to pick your honorable family and take a massive shit on it. Death, slavery, complete disarray of your house, never-ending war, even putting down the family dog because some little blond cunt demands it. In the worst life ever, House Stark turns to WOLFTRAP wine to drown their sorrows. They’re kind of like that poor soul at the end of the bar who just stares at his drink the whole time and anyone that’s within earshot gets bombarded with “The good old days.” Honestly, just think back at what we’ve seen happen to these folks so far. And to the ones who’ve already read the books knowing what’s going to happen. This family honestly has the worst luck in the world all because they’re not pieces of shit. R.I.P. Ned.
This GoT booze of choice goes out to the college meathead and the old guy still grasping for strings of greatness trying to desperately impress the young tail at the bar. Do you bros need a new bromance? Some guy who could stay up all night with you till you’re a few shades of vomit. Only to wake up a next day and start bright and early with a 30 pack of fake beer? A bro who’d spend an entire day shoving an whole pig down his gullet, while only taking breaks between banging prostitutes and making sure said prostitute isn’t only of his million offspring. Than look no further than House Baratheon! While not known for as a party house, Robert is the bro you’ll always want to have by your side. He’s like John Belluchi. But hairier and could crush your head in with a giant war hammer. And once you introduce him to JAGERMISTER, Robert will never leave your floor dorm room again. Just make sure it’s the right Baratheon. While Robert is one jolly motherfuck, Stannis would kill your ass, and Renly… well, he’d try to get in your ass. I set that joke up so long ago.
If there’s one animal that dominates the booze bottles look no further than lions. They’re on a ton of shit and they always seem to be doing battle with other animals which makes what you’re drinking even more badass. The Lannister’s are the family to hate (minus a certain whore-banging little fella) but at least they have good taste. For the beer geeks look no further than FIRESTONE WALKER UNION JACK IPA. One of the best craft IPAs on the market. After powering through 6 of them, maybe you’ll start seeing things through Jamie’s eyes and would total bang Cersei too.
If Firestone is too expensive for your taste, than perhaps a delightful 40oz of HAFFENREFER would suffice? It’s ummm… I’m sorry. I can’t advocate this. If you have HBO, but are drinking Haffenrefer, than maybe you should figuring out your finances dude.
So there you go. Plenty of fine drinks to kick off this season of Game of Thrones. I’m not going to say much, but if you haven’t read the books, you’re in for a real treat. For the next 2 years get ready for the best television you’ll ever see.
And more Mountain cutting things in half.
Get your boners ready.
Check it. Sorry for the video sound quality, still tinkering!
Oh my god we’re so close to the finale! Finally! After… forever! Okay Odinson stop being so damn dramatic.
On tonight’s episode…
4 Vampires?! More like… FOUR BILLION.
Will Willow be gangbanged?! …Probably! She’s useless!
Thats the only thing on my mind.
Ouch. (Much like my readership right now)
I was getting whipped around like… like… I can’t explain it. (I can already see my laziness beginning to unfold) I was taking on 7 vampires. Why can’t I have superpowers like a slayer or Vampier? Why can’t I be a chosen one of something?
I heard a vampire scream. I quickly laid eyes off my vampires. Archine tore off a vampire’s head. The wierd part is that Archine was liking it. Two vampires left from my group, and from Buffys group too. Now Archine was fighting 10 vampiers. (Man, Archine is so cool isn’t he guys? He’s like if some kid growing up in the 90′s had a “what if,” moment where Wolverine and Gambit had a baby and that baby was a Vampire with Superman’s strength and all the women wanted to bone him, especially Psylocke, Lady Death, and Catlin Fairchild)
Good for me.
Not for him.
The 10 vampers all jump on Arch, and brought him down. But then, a vampire punched me in the stomach to remind me that they’re still here. (“HEY.” *punch* “We’re still here. God.”)
Krunch was the sound of my fist smashing the vampires brains out. (Holy shit!!!)
Well… I kind of lied about the Brain part Lets just say I punched him real hard. (-_-)
He back off and a new one came. (“Now it’s YOUR turn to punch the douche,” He growled)
“Man! Do you guys relize your real cheap-O’s!” I yelled out them. (What.)
“Stup up mortal.” One of them said sneering.
I was getting tick off. “Buffy.” I shoted. “I need a stake now!”
She quickly went in her coat pacat (Come on Brion) and hucked it at me. Likely I can catch good. I got a good hold of it and without hesitation I stabbed it into the vampire. He dissapered. Alright only 4 more vampires to go! Seems like four billion. (Totally man.)
I started to get weak and tired. This is the most vampires we’ve ever fought.
I got punched in the stomach.
In return I delivered the vampire a uppercut.
“Stake! Hurry!” I yelled out.
Buffy chucked one. And I stabbed the vampire I gave a uppercut to. (He was kind enough to just stand there the whole time.)
He scearmed and dissappered.
“Help out Archine!” Buffy ordered me.
Both of us ran over to the pile. Buffy took out the last of the stakes she had on her. 6 of them. She gave 3 to me. We quickly slayed 6 vampires and kicked the rest of them off of him. (At this point I honestly don’t remember if I forgot this Buffy was the clone or not. Why the hell is she saving them?!)
Arch got up.
“Arch you all right?” I asked him.
“Yeah I’m O.K.” He said.
We looked at the rest of the vampires. There were 12 left. (I really hope someone is following the math here.)
“OK guys this time we fight as a team.” Buffy ordered.
We took our positions. This time we were ready for anything.
I quickly looked around me. I saw a sharp stick off of a tree. I scamed the ground. I couple of good sized rocks.
The male vampire lunged at me. I doged quickly and grabbed the two rocks. While the male vampire was trying to get up. I quickly smashed both rocks on the side’s of his head. He got up half blinded and half dizzyed he stummble around. (Hilarity ensued.)
Now Willow now! I ordered myself. (It’d be even better if she was screaming this out loud to herself)
I ran as fast as I could into the vampire. I stopped and he stummbled backwards into the sharp stick. (Sooo… the wind of your 17 year old unathletic speed pushed him back? Okay. Got it.)
As the stick and the vampier made contact. The Vampire dissapered.
The two girls were amazed, They were shocked.
I was to, that was the first vampire I ever slayed! (Also the lamest, wow)
That was my que to start running. I took off at a fast start. One of them took out a knife and started running after me. I looked behind, they were cathing up. I saw a branch up ahead. As I pasted it I graged onto it and let it go.
The branch made the vampire trip backwards. And went right into the others knife. And dissapered. (Ehhh, not a proper way to kill one, but I’ll give you points for creativity)
2-down-one to go. All of a sudden everything went wrong.
I tried to get up but I couldn’t, my foot was stuck in a hole. The last vampire with the knife went over to me.
“You puny mortal thinked that you could take on us Vampires?” She asked me. (“Hulk smashed,” She added)
Not a good question to ansewr back.
It was no hope for me this time. She rose her knife above her head and was about to stab me. When all of a sudden I saw a sharp, thin, silver piece stick out of her and it came back out.
She fall and dissapered.
And Giles popped up. With a sorwd. (I take back that compliment, you’re scrambling.)
“Are you alright Willow?” Giles asked me.
He bent down and took my foor out of the hole.
“I’m fine. your timing couldn’t be…” Giles cutted me off.
“Do you know how to use one of these?” He asked.
Giles picked up the knife on the ground and gave it to me.
“Well lets find out.” I said with a smile.” (It’s for vacuuming right?)
“Come hurry.” Giles brought me up.
And we raced to goin the battle. (Giles won)
Yes, yes. I know this was fairly short. But next time… oh man next time…
SOMEONE DIES. FOR REAL GUYS.
The finale. The last 3 chapters to the incredible tale of “Archine.”
See you in March.